You’ve got to say this for desperation: it makes you much more open-minded.
I really can see some positives in this flat. The technicolour mould on the kitchen wall will scrub off, at least in the short term. The filthy mattress can be replaced fairly cheaply. And you could definitely make the argument that the mushrooms growing behind the toilet are introducing a fresh, outdoorsy feel to the place.
Gerty and Mo, however, are not desperate, and they are not trying to be positive. I would describe their expressions as ‘aghast’.
‘You can’t live here.’
That’s Gerty. She’s standing with her heeled boots together and her elbows tucked in tightly, as though occupying as little space as possible in protest at being here at all. Her hair is pulled back in a low bun, already pinned so she can easily slip on the barrister’s wig she wears for court. Her expression would be comical if it weren’t my actual life we are discussing here.
‘There must be somewhere else within budget, Tiff,’ Mo says worriedly, bobbing up from where he was examining the boiler cupboard. He looks even more dishevelled than usual, helped by the cobweb now hanging from his beard. ‘This is even worse than the one we viewed last night.’
I look around for the estate agent; he’s thankfully well out of earshot, smoking on the ‘balcony’ (the sagging roof of the neighbour’s garage, definitely not designed for walking on).
‘I’m not looking around another one of these hellholes,’ Gerty says, glancing at her watch. It’s 8 a.m. – she’ll need to be at Southwark Crown Court for nine. ‘There must be another option.’
‘Surely we can fit her in at ours?’ Mo suggests, for about the fifth time since Saturday.
‘Honestly, would you stop with that?’ Gerty snaps. ‘That is not a long-term solution. And she’d have to sleep standing up to even fit anywhere.’ She gives me an exasperated look. ‘Couldn’t you have been shorter? We could have put you under the dining table if you were less than five nine.’
I make an apologetic face, but really I’d prefer to stay here than on the floor of the tiny, eye-wateringly expensive flat Mo and Gerty jointly invested in last month. They’ve never lived together before, even when we were at university. I’m concerned that it may well be the death of their friendship. Mo is messy, absent-minded and has this uncanny ability to take up an enormous amount of room despite being relatively small. Gerty, on the other hand, has spent the last three years living in a preternaturally clean flat, so perfect that it looked computer-generated. I’m not sure how the two lifestyles will overlay without West London imploding.
The main problem, though, is if I’m crashing on someone’s floor I can just as easily go back to Justin’s place. And, as of 11 p.m. Thursday, I have officially decided that I cannot be allowed that option any longer. I need to move forward, and I need to commit to somewhere so I can’t go back.
Mo rubs his forehead, sinking down into the grimy leather sofa. ‘Tiff, I could lend you some . . .’
‘I don’t want you to lend me any money,’ I say, more sharply than I mean to. ‘Look, I really need to get this sorted this week. It’s this place or the flatshare.’
‘The bedshare, you mean,’ Gerty says. ‘Can I ask why it has to be now? Not that I’m not delighted. Just that last I checked you were sitting tight in that flat waiting for the next time he-who-must-not-be-named deigned to drop by.’
I wince, surprised. Not at the sentiment – Mo and Gerty never liked Justin, and I know they hate that I’m still living at his place, even though he’s hardly ever there. It’s just unusual to hear Gerty bring him up directly. After the final peace-making dinner with the four of us ended in a furious row, I gave up on trying to make everyone get along and just stopped talking to Gerty and Mo about him altogether. Old habits die hard – even post break-up we’ve all dodged around discussing him.
‘And why does it have to be so cheap?’ Gerty goes on, ignoring the warning look from Mo. ‘I know you’re paid a pittance, but, really, Tiffy, four hundred a month is impossible in London. Have you actually thought about all this? Properly?’
I swallow. I can feel Mo watching me carefully. That’s the trouble with having a counsellor as a friend: Mo is basically an accredited mind-reader, and