gripped the lapels of his jacket with both hands, my face buried in his neck, safe in the warm darkness there.
“How long have you been here?”
“All day,” he said gruffly.
“You’ve been waiting here for me all day?”
“I knew you’d come.”
He kissed my temple, my cheek, and my lips before pulling away. His eyes were bloodshot and shadowed, the threat of tears in their brown depths. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the bottle of Hazarin.
“This is yours,” he said, pressing it into my hand.
I stared at the bottle, then at him. “You won’t stop me from taking it?”
He shook his head, though it looked as if it cost him everything to do it. “It’s your choice.”
I smiled through my tears. “Not much of one, is it?”
“The fucking worst.”
My eyes spilled over. “I’m so grateful for the time we had. When I saw you up here, waiting for me… It hit me how happy I’ve been with you.”
“Me too, Thea,” he said. “The best time.”
I took his hand and put the bottle in his palm, curled his fingers around it. “I won’t give up.”
Jim made a sound deep in his chest and hauled me into his embrace. His sigh of relief expanded under my head and then turned into a ragged exhale.
“I hate this,” he said, muffled. “I hate that I’m relieved you have to go back to that hell.” He held me close, kissing my forehead, then his hands slipped to my cheeks, to hold my face. Tears shone in his eyes but he fought them back. “You’re so brave,” he whispered. “You’re so fucking brave.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know. I’m going to be with you every day. Every day, Thea.”
I shook my head. “I can’t think about that right now. Not yet. I took the medication this morning. We still have tonight, at least. Let me have that before…”
Before I go away again.
He nodded, his thumbs brushing the tears that streamed down my cheeks.
“What do you want to do? Anything you want. Name it.”
“I want to watch the sunset up here,” I said. “I want to eat Italian food at a place that’s dark and has little candles on the table. And I want you to sing for me. Will you do that?”
“Yeah, Thea,” he said, hoarse and raw. “I will.” He held up the pill bottle. “And these?”
I closed my eyes, inhaled deep. I breathed a prayer to those who came before me in Dr. Milton’s study. Those who suffered and died so that I could make the right choice.
Please let it be the right choice.
I opened my eyes. “Throw them away.”
Jimmy nodded and did as I asked, then came back to me. He slipped out of his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders, then put his arms around me again, my back to his front, his chin resting on my shoulder. I held his arms and tried to capture the feel of him, his breath on my cheek and his strong body shielding me. Embedding his molecules into me. Indelible and unforgettable.
The sunset’s last rays spilled between New York’s buildings and the sky became bruised and beautiful.
I turned in Jimmy’s arms and let my eyes fall closed. Inhale. Exhale.
“I’m ready.”
Chapter 35
Thea
We went back to the hotel so I could shower and change.
“What about Delia?” Jimmy asked.
“I can’t talk to her yet,” I said. “Would you mind calling her?”
“What do I tell her?”
“Tell her I took the meds today, but I won’t take any more. We’re going to have one more night here and head back tomorrow.”
“Anything else?”
“No,” I said. “Not yet.”
I had plenty to say to my sister, but tonight was for Jimmy and me.
I showered and pulled on the pretty white sundress I bought with Rita at the mall. It was wrinkled from being smashed in the bottom of my backpack, but I’d hung it up in the bathroom when we checked in so the steam from our showers could smooth it.
“What do you think?” I asked.
Jim sat at the foot of the bed, phone in hand. His heavy gaze swept over me. “You’re beautiful.”
“I bought it for you. I told Rita I wanted to put it on just so you could rip it off me.”
“Oh yeah?”
“She didn’t tell you? Good. She kept the girl code.”
Jimmy’s smile faded. I stood between his knees and brushed my fingers through his hair. “We have tonight,” I said. “So, let’s really have it, okay?”
He nodded, and I kissed him softly, then headed back to the bathroom mirror