The evening shadows are following me as I drive down the road. Every inch of me is shaking but I have to do this. I need space to think. Conor has been lying to me all along.
The phone beeps on the seat beside me. I glance over and see it’s Conor. Deep breaths Laura, keep going. It rings out. He must be calling me to say he’s on his way home. Or else he’s already home and wondering where the hell I am.
When I reach the city I feel better. Less agitated. Lights shape the bridges and buildings that would otherwise be blurred by the darkening skies. The phone has rung three times. It’s Conor. I’m not answering. Not until I’m calm and settled in Amanda’s apartment. Then I’ll call. I have to. He’ll be worried about Shay. His son. The one I kidnapped. Oh Jesus, could I be arrested? No, he’s my son too. I haven’t kidnapped him. I’m saving him.
My mind is stretching out of proportion. I need to relax. Focus. Just because he lied about the alarm does not mean he killed Vicky Murphy. There could be some other explanation. But what about what Pat said about the motive? And why did Vicky Murphy send Conor a text? I need to speak to you asap. Conor told the police he never saw the text and I believed him but what if he did see it? Is that why he left the house? Did he go to meet her? My mind is going around in circles trying to make sense of it all.
When I get to Amanda’s apartment, I ring her phone again but there’s still no answer. Surely she must have seen my calls by now. I remember there’s a key in the next door neighbour’s apartment. Amanda leaves it there in case she loses her own. Rachel answers immediately.
‘Hi, Laura. Long time no see. Oh, and look is this the little…’ She smiles. She can’t remember.
‘Boy, it’s a boy… Shay.’
‘Oh, he’s lovely.’ Rachel bends down to Shay in the car seat.
I can’t do this. Not now. Can she not see my distressed face, my stinging red eyes?
‘I just need the key, Rachel.’
‘Of course, yes, sorry.’ Rachel goes back inside and comes out with the key.
‘Thanks,’ I say, walking away.
‘Laura… If you need anything give me a shout.’
I smile back at her. Then turn the key in Amanda’s door.
Chapter Fifty-Five
The room feels like a hug when I step inside. The large glass window looking out over the city. The yellow suede sofa that Amanda took weeks to decide upon, it was so out there. The green leather recliner in the corner. The white glass table on the multicoloured rug. It all looks so modern. So young. So not Ballycall.
I take Shay out of the car seat. He’s been cooped up in it for hours now. Resting him on the sofa, I flop down beside him. I can smell he needs to be changed but I need a minute to calm myself. To take a deep breath. To not jump out the big glass window.
Shay’s little legs kick and I cry again. Conor always says he is going to be a great footballer. He can tell already by the strength of his kick. I close my eyes and see Conor laughing, rolling Shay, trying to get him to kick Conor’s hands. What have I done?
The phone beeps again. I stand up to get it and throw it back onto the table as soon as I see it’s Maggie. Surely he hasn’t been in touch with her already? I’ve only been gone a couple of hours. I wish Amanda would hurry home. I need someone to talk to.
I change Shay’s nappy and prepare a bottle for him. The poor baby must be starving. But he hasn’t cried yet. I wonder if he senses something. Does he know not to cry when mammy is crying enough for both of us?
Shay has just about finished his bottle when the phone rings again. I let it ring out and wait until Shay has finished before checking it. It’s Amanda. I ring her back.
‘Hi, what’s the big news? I’ve four missed calls from you.’
When I hear her voice I burst into tears.
‘Laura, what’s up? What’s wrong?’
I struggle to get my voice to work but eventually I squeeze some words out.
‘I don’t know what to do Amanda. I’m here in your apartment. With Shay.’