locals. So, I agreed to go to the church part of the service only. I don’t want to leave Shay any longer.
Conor once told me Pat doesn’t have a body clock. He sleeps and wakes whenever he does. Conor often found him doing chores in the middle of the night. I can’t say it to Conor but I wish he wasn’t living in the forest at the end of our garden. Knowing he could arrive at the door or look in the window at any time is unsettling. It takes away from our privacy. Maybe Conor could get rid of him, set him up in one of those little apartments above the shops. He could say it was for his own good, that he’d be closer to everything as he got older, including the pub.
‘Laura, are you there?’ Conor’s voice echoes down the stairs. Rushing to the hallway, I look up and see his sleepy head hanging over the bannisters.
‘What are you doing up?’ he says. ‘Shay is awake.’
I rush up the stairs. ‘I couldn’t sleep so I got up. Has he been crying long?’
‘Don’t think so.” Conor’s head is hovering over the crib, his hand gently resting on Shay’s belly. ‘Mammy’s coming, baby, we’ll feed you now,’ he whispers, through the smell of stale beer and curry.
Holding Shay in my arms, his manic sucking breaking the silence, I watch Conor fall back asleep. There is no sign of the choking lion this time. It’s strange, I’ve only just discovered he snores. I hope I’m not in for any more surprises.
Chapter Sixteen
‘I know… I have it.’ Amanda is holding Shay in her arms, rocking him from side to side, trying to stop him screaming. I’ve written everything down for her. When to feed him, when to change him, to check on him every ten minutes while he sleeps. I’ve shown her where all his clothes are, just in case, and left a basket of toys – which he has no interest in yet – beside the crib.
‘You’re only going to be gone for two hours, Laura. I’ll be fine. Shay will be fine,’ she says, picking something from the shoulder of my black dress. Amanda stills for a moment, looks into my eyes before turning her gaze away. It’s as if she’s about to comment on how the dress looks on me but stops herself. Does she feel it too? Is she remembering the last time I wore this dress?
‘Do you think he knows we’re leaving him?’ I say, rubbing my finger across his forehead.
Conor laughs. ‘Yes, Laura, he knows we’re leaving him.’
Amanda joins in the laughter, continuing to rock Shay, more dramatically now, sweeping him up in the air and back down again. I don’t want her to do that but if I say something she might get offended. She does it again.
‘He’ll throw up on you, Amanda.’
‘Ugh.’ Amanda stops rocking and sits on the sofa. Shay is beginning to quieten but I really am nervous leaving him with neither Conor nor myself here. Maggie said she’d skip the funeral to mind Shay when she heard I was going but I had already arranged for Amanda to mind Shay. Maggie wasn’t too impressed, said it was very early to leave him with a sitter.
‘I’m his grandmother, there’s a difference,’ she said.
‘And Amanda is his aunty.’ That was the end of it. I’m so glad it was Conor who answered that call.
The truth is, I don’t have to go. I barely knew Vicky. Skipping her funeral would have been my choice. I’m sorry I let Amanda convince me to go because now I’m walking out of my house and leaving my baby behind. If I could I’d run back in, I would, but they’ll all think I’m going mad.
Deep breaths, count; that’s what I learned during those first months, afterwards, when the fear and anxiety was at its worst. Deep breaths. It didn’t help then and it’s not helping now. Noticing my discomfort, Conor turns to look at me. Putting his hand on my leg and squeezing it, he says, ‘We have to do it sometime, Laura, at least we’re not going to be far away.’
I smile at him. ‘I know, I’ll be fine, sorry for being such a wuss.’
‘You’re just being a mammy.’ He turns the engine on, and the car crunches down the gravelled driveway. My head is tilted, looking back, eyes on the house. Amanda is standing in the doorway holding Shay’s tiny hand up, mimicking a