From The First Verse - M. Robinson Page 0,54
wasn’t just some chick I’d take to bed. She was my heart, my core, my fuckin’ best friend.
Breathe in and out, Cash. Just breathe in and out.
I wracked my brain, thinking back on where things took a turn, but I couldn’t remember a goddamn thing.
Motherfucker.
The bathroom was closing in on me, the walls suffocating me in ways I’d never experienced before. It was a tsunami of emotions, an overwhelming amount of distress and what ifs. Each thought stirring the next. I couldn’t fuckin’ see straight for the life of me.
When I walked back into the living room, Harley was now awake. Sitting up with the flimsy sheet barely covering her body.
“Shit. Did I wake you?”
She looked exactly how I felt.
Hungover.
Shocked.
It was evident her mind was spinning with the same questions mine were.
She shook her head no, watching me as if I were about to break in front of her.
“Are you okay?”
She shook her head no again, blurting, “I’m totally naked. Did you wake up totally naked too?”
Slowly, I nodded, realizing she figured out what I already knew.
“Oh fuck.”
“Yeah, no shit.”
“Did we?”
“Harley, we were both black-out drunk. I can’t even answer that question, ’cuz I don’t remember shit. We killed a bottle of whiskey.”
“The last thing I remember is seein’ who could walk in a straight line, touchin’ the tip of our nose better.”
“Fuck.” I shook my head, baffled with the situation we found ourselves in. “I don’t even remember that.”
“Cash ... oh God ... how did this happen? How the fuck did we let this happen? You’re like my brother! Oh my God! I had sex with my brother!”
The expression on her face mirrored exactly how I was feeling. Rubbing the back of my neck, I shamefully bowed my head.
“I think I’m gonna throw up.”
“Yeah, I just did that.”
The sudden silence was deafening, not knowing what to say or do.
“Uh...” I mumbled, still peering at the floor.
I couldn’t look at her, it was too overwhelming.
Too embarrassing.
Too soul shattering.
This was all my fault. I was supposed to protect her from guys like me.
“I’m gonna go get us some coffee and donuts or somethin’.”
“Yeah, sure. That’d be good. I have money in my pur—”
“Harley, I just fucked my best friend, and I have no memory of it,” I snapped, unable to hold back the anger I felt with myself. “At least let me buy you a coffee and some food.”
Without meeting her eyes, I quickly left. I spent the next thirty minutes beating myself up in every possible way I could.
Harley was in the bathroom by the time I made it back. I used her absence and rushed from corner to corner in the shithole I called home, looking for a condom wrapper.
Please, God. Please let me find one.
Nothing.
Not in my bed or on the floor or in the trash.
Fuck. Me.
I had to sit down. My body felt as if it was caving in on me. I tried to calm my nerves with a cigarette, but it was pointless. Nothing would make this feeling go away.
“Harley,” I coaxed, staring deep into her eyes when she was suddenly standing in front of me. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I don’t know where things took a turn last night. I would never... I mean, you know... I’d never take advantage of you.”
“Of course I know that. Cash, I don’t remember shit either. I wasn’t expectin’ to wake up naked in your bed. I feel like we committed incest or somethin’.”
“Yeah, no shit.”
“I don’t want things to be weird between us now. I mean ... neither one of us remembers what happened. So, can we just pretend like it didn’t?”
Even though I felt a sudden relief with what she said, it didn’t take away the feeling of what would come from this.
We didn’t use a condom. We didn’t use a fuckin’ condom.
Pretending had always been my way of life. I was more than used to it by now.
“Then we’re good?” I questioned, pushing aside the turmoil I was experiencing in the forefront of my mind. I played it off like it wasn’t consuming every last thought.
“Yeah. I hope so.”
“Oh, thank fuck,” I breathed out in one exhale, as she grabbed her coffee.
“I love you, Cash McGraw, but not like that.”
“Ditto, Harley Jameson.”
She sat beside me. “What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Things kinda got blurry after talkin’ ’bout Journey.”
She smirked. “You mean June?”
“She was a kid. Fuck, she still is.”
“You wouldn’t think that now if you saw her. She’s ridiculously beautiful. I’m talkin’ model material. She would