credit card bill. Find out whatever you can and when you’re sure of the facts, front him up with it.’
I nod.
‘What are you going to do if your worst fears are confirmed?’ she says.
My face crumples, but I refuse to cry. ‘My head says leave, but my heart . . .’
She puts her hand on mine. ‘You’ve got to think of the girls,’ she says.
‘That’s exactly the problem. They would be the only reason I’d stay.’
She looks at me, her brow furrowed.
‘I can’t let them down again,’ I say in answer. ‘Sophia has already lost one father, the fallout of which she’ll always blame me for in some way. I can’t be the reason for it happening again.’
‘You’re not the reason,’ she says, ‘he is.’ Her voice is loud and clipped and I put a finger to my lips to remind her of Olivia and Millie’s close proximity.
‘I will not be responsible for taking them away from their father,’ I say, my tone suddenly authoritative. ‘I will do everything in my power to make my marriage work before I allow him to walk away.’
‘Jeez,’ she says, puffing out her cheeks. ‘You’re a more forgiving woman than I’d ever be.’
‘Do you want a drink?’ I ask.
‘I’ll have a coffee if you’re making one.’
‘I was thinking of something stronger.’
‘It’s only three thirty,’ she says, looking at her watch. ‘What time is Nathan likely to be back?’
‘Probably any time now.’
‘I’d better get going then,’ she says. ‘It’s not going to take a rocket scientist to work out what’s going on if he walks into this.’
‘Thanks for coming over,’ I say, hugging her at the door.
‘I’m here if you need me,’ she says, before dragging a reluctant Millie down the path.
They bump into Sophia on the pavement and say a cheery hello and goodbye. ‘You look like crap,’ she says when she reaches me. ‘What’s up?’
If that’s her way of showing she cares, I’ll take it right now.
‘I just haven’t got any make-up on,’ I say, as she alternates between looking at me and the phone in her hand. ‘And I’d really prefer it if you didn’t use that kind of language. You’re at home now – you’re not with your mates.’
‘Soz,’ she says, and I roll my eyes in exasperation at her inability to use complete words.
Her phone rings and she looks at me half apologetically as she answers it.
‘Hiya,’ she says with a smile. ‘It’s Nathan,’ she mouths.
I can’t stop my features from hardening.
‘He’s asking if we want to meet him at the Cuckoo Club, near the office, for something to eat.’
I know exactly where it is. Does he think I’m stupid? Does he think that him asking us to meet him there verifies his whereabouts for the previous three hours? Is he using Sophia to test what mood I’m in?
I look at my watch. ‘It’s getting late,’ I say. ‘I’d rather do dinner here.’ The thought of forced joviality, pretending to anyone looking on that all is well, is just not in my remit right now.
‘Okay,’ she nods. ‘Yep, I’ll tell her.’ She turns to me. ‘He’s on his way home, says we can have a barbecue if you fancy.’
No, is what I think. ‘Okay then,’ is what I say.
Just a few days ago, I’d have proudly told anyone who asked that my stomach still did butterflies every time I heard Nathan’s key in the front door. Now, I wait here, dreading it. How the hell did this happen?
I can’t carry this burden with me into another day. It’s eating away at my insides.
10
I wait until Nathan’s put Olivia to bed before pouring us both a large glass of red wine and settling down on one of the oversized cream sofas, making sure I sit perfectly in the middle, so that he’ll feel more inclined to sit in the identical one opposite me. I want to be able to watch every twitch on his face, every spasm of expression.
There’s a churning in the pit of my stomach as I wait for him to join me, an unmistakable swirl of nervousness that will only dissipate when I have the answers that I need. I pull my legs up underneath me as he walks in, conscious of relaying a more relaxed mood. As expected, he sits down heavily on the sofa opposite and takes a slug of wine.
‘How did it go in the office today?’ I ask. ‘Get much done?’
I tilt my head to the side, in another subconscious effort to put him