“Not really,” He moistened his lips and followed her eyes until she lowered her gaze to her napkin on her lap. “Why are you so nervous when I ask you questions about yourself? This isn’t your first time doing that. Come on now, don’t be shy.”
“I’m not nervous. Ask me. Go right ahead,” she urged with a wave of her hand.
“Okay. Good. I’ll ask you again. What happened to your husband?”
With slumped shoulders she squeezed her eyes shut, now clutching her napkin in her right fist.
“Car accident.”
Same as my mother. Though my mother is alive, but it almost took her out of here.
“I’m sorry, Lauren.” She gave a slight nod, then played with her food. “How long has he been gone?”
Tears for Fears’ ‘Sowing the Seeds’ played through the speaker system in the restaurant.
“About five years.”
For a moment, all he could hear was the chatter of the patrons, their faces in hues of sand and beige, eyes lit with laughter, utensils hitting plates and the gravelly voice of an old man as he complained to someone about how close they’d parked to his Lincoln outside.
“Have you dated since then?”
“On and off. Here and there. Nothin’ too serious. It’s been difficult. It’s me… not really the guys I went out with. I mean, I suppose some I was more well-matched with than others, but… it was me.” She cleared her throat and turned away abruptly. “Sometimes I feel like everything is okay; other times, I feel… I don’t know.”
She swallowed, turning back towards him, opening up slowly, like a delicate flower.
“Do you feel guilty for dating, even after all this time?”
“It’s not really guilt. I thought it was at first, when I first started thinking about dating again a couple years ago. I felt like I was betraying him.” She sniffled and swiped at her nose. “Now, it’s just an emotion of numbness. The act of not feeling is in fact a feeling.”
He didn’t fully understand, but did kind of get it.
“Were you… in the car with him?”
She shook her head.
“No. Nehemiah was alone. He fell asleep behind the wheel. He was coming home from work one night. He’d been working a lot of hours, so he was exhausted. He worked I.T. for a security system company.”
They both drew quiet, then he reached out to take her hand. She pulled back, cradling her hand against her chest as though it was a small bronzed bird with a wounded wing. After a while, slowly, she let it take flight, resting it back on the table. He covered her hand with his and gave it a squeeze.
“Bad things happen to good people sometimes. I don’t understand it. I guess the man upstairs will explain it one day.” She gave a faint smile and nodded. “I like you, Lauren. The outside of you matches the inside of you.”
“Thank you. I think I kinda like you, too.” They both chuckled at that. “What about your ex-wife, since we’re talking about our past loves? What happened with that?”
“Oh.” He sighed and ran his hand down his face. “I consider myself to be a good judge of character but I missed the damn mark that time. I ignored the red flags. If you’re dating a girl and she blows off important things, that’s a red flag. If you’re dating a girl and her ex-boyfriend is telling you that you’re a dang fool, that’s a red flag. If you’re dating a girl and she plays mind games, that’s a red flag. If you’re dating a girl and she flirts with your best friend one night – grabs his crotch when you turn your back and tells him, ‘Aries’ dick feels like it’s bigger than yours but I’d still ride you!’ then blames it on the alcohol when she only had one gotdamn beer, by golly, that’s a red flag!”
They both burst out laughing.
“Hell, I’d say so.” Lauren’s laughter subsided, but her eyes held the mirth a bit longer.
“I saw ’em. Those red flags were waving all in my face, bold as a bloody crime scene, but I was just too young, too hopeful, too horny and too dumb. I was in love.” He paused for a brief moment. “And I’m stubborn, so nobody could tell me shit, talk me out of it. Too silly in the head to understand folks don’t change unless they wanna change.”
“Your ex-wife and you aren’t on good terms I take it after all of that?” She