Finding Audrey - Sophie Kinsella Page 0,34
it away.”
I can tell Mum is a bit frustrated with that answer, but she keeps on smiling this weird smile.
“I hear you,” she says. “Interesting idea.”
“It’s not.” Frank looks at her suspiciously.
“Yes it is.”
“Mum, it’s a stupid idea I invented to piss you off. You can’t say ‘It’s interesting.’ ”
“I hear you.” Mum nods. “I hear you, Frank. I can see your point of view. It’s valid.”
“I don’t have a point of view!” Frank snaps. “And stop saying ‘I hear you.’ ”
“Mum read a book,” I tell him. “It’s called How to Talk to Your Teens.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Frank rolls his eyes.
“Do not swear, young man!” Mum snaps straight out of her Stepford Mum mode.
“Oh, for futtsake!” chimes in Felix joyfully, and Mum inhales furiously.
“You see? You see what you did?”
“Well, stop talking to me like a bloody robot!” shouts Frank. “It’s totally fake.”
“Bloody robot!” echoes Felix.
“That book cost twelve ninety-five,” I tell Frank, who gives an incredulous laugh.
“Twelve ninety-five! I could write that book in four words. It would say ‘Stop patronizing your teenager.’ ”
There’s silence. I think Mum’s making an effort not to lose it. From the way she’s crushing her napkin into a tiny ball, I think she’s finding it quite hard. At last she looks up with a smile again.
“Frank, I understand you’re frustrated with life at the moment,” she says, in pleasant tones. “So I’ve found you some occupations. You can do some jamming with Dad today and next week you’re volunteering.”
“Volunteering?” Frank looks taken aback. “Like, building huts in Africa?”
“Making sandwiches for the Avonlea fete.”
Avonlea is the old people’s home in the next street. They have this fete every year and it’s quite fun. You know. For a thing in a garden with old people.
“Making sandwiches?” Frank looks aghast. “You’re joking.”
“I’ve volunteered our kitchen for the catering. We’re all going to help.”
“I’m not making bloody sandwiches.”
“I hear you,” says Mum. “But you are. And don’t swear.”
“I’m not.”
“I hear you, Frank,” says Mum implacably. “But you are.”
“Mum stop it, OK?”
“I hear you.”
“Stop it.”
“I hear you.”
“Stop it! Jesus!” Frank brings two fists to his head. “OK, I’ll make the bloody sandwiches! Now have you finished ruining my life?”
He swings away from the table and Mum gives a tiny smile.
MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY—FILM TRANSCRIPT
INTERIOR. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY.
The camera approaches the garage doors. Inside we find Dad dressed in leathers, holding a guitar connected to a massive amp. Frank is standing nearby, holding a bass, looking dismal.
DAD
(enthusiastically)
So let’s jam. Just play around, have some fun.
He plays a showy guitar riff.
DAD
You know “For Her, For Me”?
FRANK
What?
DAD
“For Her, For Me.” It’s our best-known song.
He looks a little hurt.
DAD
I sent you the link? I have a solo on that track.
He plays another showy guitar riff.
FRANK
Right. Er…I don’t know it.
DAD
What do you know?
FRANK
I know the theme tune to LOC.
He starts to play it, but Dad shakes his head impatiently.
DAD
We want to play real music. OK, we’ll just jam over the chord structure. Keep it simple. Intro—C E, F, G, chorus in double time—D minor, F, C for two beats, chorus repeats with a G chord for a pickup to go into the verse.
Frank stares at him in panic.
FRANK
What?
DAD
Just feel it. You’ll be fine. A one, a two, a one-two-three-four.
A cacophony of music hits the air as both start playing. Dad starts singing in a screechy voice.
DAD
(sings)
For her…for meeeeee…Comin’ round again…
(shouts above music)
You do backing, Frank.
(sings)
For her, for meeeee…
He launches into a solo. Frank stares wildly at the camera and mouths “Help.”
MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY—FILM TRANSCRIPT
INTERIOR. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY.
Mum is making lunch in the kitchen as Dad enters, all fired up. She looks up.
MUM
So? How was that?
DAD
It was great! We jammed, we bonded…
I think Frank really enjoyed it.
MUM
Great! Well done!
She gives him a hug.
MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY—FILM TRANSCRIPT
INTERIOR. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY.
Frank sits at the top of the stairs. He addresses the camera.
FRANK
Oh my God. That was the single worst experience of my life.
AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)
No it wasn’t.
FRANK
(scowls)
You don’t know. Maybe it was.
He sags against the bannister.
FRANK
Why does Dad want to play old-man rock with me? Why?
AUDREY (V.O.)
To stop you playing computer games.
Frank gives her a dark look.
FRANK
Thanks, Einstein.
AUDREY (V.O.)
I’m just telling you. They want you to have other interests.
FRANK
(explodes)
I don’t want any other interests! What’s wrong with gaming?
AUDREY (V.O.)
I didn’t say anything was wrong with gaming.
FRANK
Gaming develops your reaction times, it helps teamwork and strategy, it teaches you stuff…
AUDREY (V.O.)
(sceptically)
It teaches you stuff? What stuff?
FRANK
OK, you want to know? (He counts off on his fingers.) Minecraft—architecture. SimCity—how to manage a