Finding Audrey - Sophie Kinsella Page 0,22
two little red spots appear on Mum’s cheeks.
“Well, I don’t care!” she snaps. “Tonight we’re all going to watch Great Expectations, as a family, and believe it or not, Frank, you’ll be amazed. You children think you know it all, but Dickens was one of the greatest storytellers ever, and you will be blown away by this film.”
As she strides off again, Frank slumps down further on the kitchen table.
“You are so lucky,” he says indistinctly. “No-one’s on your case. You can do what the hell you like.”
“I can’t do what the hell I like!” I say defensively. “I have to do this documentary the whole time. And now I’m supposed to go to Starbucks.”
“Why Starbucks?”
“Dunno. Starbucks therapy. Whatever.”
“Right.” Frank sounds supremely uninterested. But then, all of a sudden, he sits up. “Hey. Can you tell your therapist you’ll be cured if you attend this year’s European Gaming Expo in Munich and you have to take your brother?”
“No.”
“Phhhmph.” Frank subsides onto the table again. Mum’s right, he does look rough.
“You can have these.” I give him the last remaining dregs of Shreddies, which Felix has abandoned.
“Yeah, right. Soggy, third-hand Shreddies covered in Felix dribble. Thanks, Audrey.” Franks gives me a death stare.
Then, a moment later, he reaches for a spoon and starts shoveling them in.
MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY—FILM TRANSCRIPT
INTERIOR. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY.
Camera pans around the living room. It is in semidarkness. Mum is gazing raptly at the TV. Dad is surreptitiously on his BlackBerry. Frank is staring at the ceiling.
Music crashes from the TV. The camera pans to the TV screen. Black-and-white writing reads “The End.”
MUM
There! Wasn’t that amazing? Wasn’t it just the most gripping story?
FRANK
It was all right.
MUM
“All right”? Darling, it was DICKENS.
FRANK
(patiently)
Yeah. It was Dickens and it was all right.
MUM
Well, it was better than one of your inane computer games, you have to admit that.
FRANK
No it wasn’t.
MUM
Of course it was.
FRANK
It wasn’t.
MUM
(erupts)
Are you telling me that your ridiculous games can compete with a classic Dickens story? I mean, take the characters! Take Magwitch! Magwitch is unique!
FRANK
(unimpressed)
Yeah, there’s a Magwitch character in LOC too. Only he has, like, a better backstory than the Dickens one. He’s a convict, the same, but he can help any competitor.
AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)
He transfers powers.
FRANK
Except the competitor has to take on one of his crimes and pay the penalty—
AUDREY (V.O.)
Exactly. So you have to choose which power structure to go in at. And—
FRANK
Shut up, Aud! I’m explaining. Except you don’t know which penalty you’ve got till they make the choice. So it’s like a gamble, only the more you play, the more you can work it out. It’s awesome.
Mum is looking from Frank to Audrey and back again, in total bafflement.
MUM
OK, this makes no sense to me. None. What power structures? What is that?
FRANK
If you played, you’d find out.
AUDREY (V.O.)
Magwitch is a pretty amazing character.
MUM
Exactly! Thank you.
A slight pause.
MUM
The Dickens Magwitch or the LOC Magwitch?
AUDREY (V.O.)
The LOC Magwitch, of course.
FRANK
The Dickens one is just a bit…
MUM
(sharply)
What? What’s wrong with the Dickens Magwitch? What could be wrong with one of the great literary characters of our time?
FRANK
He’s less interesting.
AUDREY (V.O.)
Exactly.
FRANK
Two-dimensional.
AUDREY (V.O.)
I mean, he doesn’t DO anything.
FRANK
(kindly)
No offense. I’m sure Dickens was a great guy.
MUM
(to DAD)
Are you hearing this?
Mum’s been pissed off with us ever since Dickensgate. She made us tidy our rooms today, which hardly ever happens, and she found a cheeseburger in Frank’s room and it all kicked off.
I don’t mean a cheeseburger carton, I mean an actual cheeseburger. He’d taken about two bites and put it back into the box and left it on the floor, like weeks ago. It was buried under a pile of rank sports kit. The weird thing is, the cheeseburger didn’t moulder. It kind of fossilized. It was pretty gross.
Mum started on the hugest lecture about rats and vermin and hygiene, but Frank waved her away and said, “I have to go, Mum, Linus is like a minute away. You always say we have to be polite to guests and greet them.” He stomped downstairs and I felt a bit swoopy in my stomach.
Linus again. I didn’t think we’d be seeing so much of Linus while Frank was banned from computers.
Mum obviously thought the same thing, because she looked a bit thrown and called down the stairs, “He does know about your computer ban, doesn’t he?” and Frank said impatiently, “Of course.” Then he added, as he swung round into the hall, “But Linus can play LOC on my computer while he’s here, can’t he?”
Mum looked a bit