Finding Audrey - Sophie Kinsella Page 0,20

often. I just can’t reply. I can’t see her. I can’t face her. And it doesn’t help that Mum kind of blames Natalie for what happened. Or at least, she thinks Natalie was “culpable” for “not acting sooner.” Which is so unfair. None of it was Natalie’s fault.

I mean, yes, Natalie could have said something. The teachers might have believed me sooner then. But you know what? Natalie was paralysed by stress. And I get that now. I really do.

“So you’ll do that, Audrey?” Dr. Sarah has this way of pressing you until you agree to do something, and she writes it down like homework and you can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.

“I’ll try.”

“Good! You need to start widening your horizons. When we suffer prolonged anxiety, we have a tendency to become self-obsessed. I don’t mean that in a pejorative way,” she adds. “It’s simply a fact. You believe the whole world is thinking about you constantly. You believe the world is judging you and talking about you.”

“They are all talking about me.” I seize the opportunity to prove her wrong. “Linus told me they were. So.”

Dr. Sarah looks up from her notes and gives me that pleasant, level look of hers.

“Who’s Linus?”

“A boy. A friend of my brother.”

Dr. Sarah is looking back at her notes.

“It was Linus who visited before? When you found things difficult?”

“Yes. I mean, he’s OK, actually. We’ve talked.”

A pink tinge is creeping over my face. If Dr. Sarah notices it, she doesn’t say anything.

“He’s a computer game addict, like Frank,” says Mum. “Dr. Sarah, what am I going to do about my son? I mean, should I bring him to see you? What’s normal?”

“I suggest we concentrate on Audrey today,” says Dr. Sarah. “Feel free to consult me at a different time about Frank if you feel it would be helpful. Let’s return to your concern, Audrey.” She smiles at me, effectively dismissing Mum.

I can see Mum bristle, and I know she’ll slag off Dr. Sarah a little in the car on the way home. Mum and Dr. Sarah have a weird relationship. Mum adores Dr. Sarah, like we all do, but I think she resents her too. I think she’s secretly poised for the moment when Dr. Sarah says, Well, Audrey, of course it’s all the fault of your parents.

Which of course Dr. Sarah never has said. And never will.

“The truth is, Audrey,” Dr. Sarah is saying, “that yes, people will probably talk about you for a fraction of the time. I’m sure my patients talk about me, and I’m sure it’s not always complimentary. But they’ll get bored and move on. Can you believe that?”

“No,” I say honestly, and Dr. Sarah nods.

“The more you engage with the outside world, the more you’ll be able to turn down the volume on those worries. You’ll see that they’re unfounded. You’ll see that the world is a very busy and varied place and most people have the attention span of a gnat. They’ve already forgotten what happened. They don’t think about it. There will have been five more sensations since your incident. Won’t there?”

I shrug reluctantly.

“But it’s hard for you to believe that, trapped in your own little world. And for that reason, I’d like you to start making visits out of the house.”

“What?” My chin jerks up in horror. “Where?”

“To your local high street?”

“No. I can’t.”

My chest has started to rise and fall at the very idea, but Dr. Sarah ignores it.

“We’ve talked about exposure therapy. You can start with a tiny visit. A minute or two. But you need to gradually expose yourself to the world, Audrey. Or the danger is, you really will become trapped.”

“But…” I swallow, unable to talk properly. “But…”

There are black dots in front of my eyes. Dr. Sarah’s room was always a safe space, but now I feel as though she’s thrusting me into a pit of fire.

“Those girls might be anywhere,” says Mum, protectively grabbing my hand. “What if she bumps into one of them? Two of them are still at school in the area, you know. I mean, it’s outrageous. They should have been sent away. And when I say away, I mean away.”

“I know it’s difficult.” Dr. Sarah is focused solely on me. “I’m not suggesting you go out alone. But I think it’s time, Audrey. I think you can do it. Call it Project Starbucks.”

Starbucks? Is she kidding?

Tears have started to my eyes. My blood is pulsing in panic. I can’t go to Starbucks. I can’t.

“You’re