“Oh, but I do know what her life has been like. She told me her life’s story tonight. About her mom’s married friend who she fucked, all the drugs and meaningless hookups. I’m all caught up.”
What the fuck? She’d told Caroline over me? No way. No fucking way. Donovan promised. My eyes falter, and I know Caroline sees it, but I feel like the world just tilted on its axis.
“Wait a minute…” She pushes from her chair and stands wide-eyed. “Did you not know… about the last five years?”
I don’t answer as I glare at her, rage spreading through me. Those secrets were meant for me. To be shared with only me. Caroline takes a step forward, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Still confident you’re the one? Are you sure Liam doesn’t know?”
The implication is enough to do damage. I don’t want to know the truth. My chest feels so tight that it may break open, and right now, I wish it would. I shake my head at Caroline’s scrutiny, or maybe in answer to her question. But both serve as enough for her to know she has my ear.
We stand staring at each other as she speaks to the most unreasonable pieces of me.
“You can’t just pretend to not care, Grey. Flip. The. Switch. Punish her. Show her what life is really like without you. And make it gut-wrenching so she crawls back begging for your forgiveness.”
If I break her, Liam will be there to put her back together.
Caroline shakes her head like she’s answering my thoughts. “Force her choice. Use whatever means necessary, and if you can’t have that, then ruin her for Liam. Because I know you, Grey McCallister, and in the end, you could never see her happy with anyone else.”
My jaw ticks. I hate that I know Caroline’s right. I’ll never share Donovan’s heart. I’d deprive her of everything to make her need me. I am that desperate for her.
I’ll break Donovan’s heart to prove it’s mine. Always has been. Always will be.
Sometimes our enemies are our best allies. What Caroline understands is that I’m consumed by a covetous hunger. As if without Donovan, I’ll starve, waste away, and become an empty shell. She understands the demon for whom I’ve become servile—love. And it’ll either destroy me or set me free, but it hasn’t decided which yet.
“You win, Caroline. I’m listening.”
Staring out of the car window, I try and roll the tension out of my neck. The night feels like a blur. I listened to what Caroline thought I should do, but all the cruelest thoughts resided in my own mind. And that makes me sick. Knowing what I’m capable of. How low I’d be willing to go. It made me feel like my father.
I don’t want to be him.
The moment Donovan drove away on Sunday, Liam went in yelling about how I was a dick. I walked away without a word. I didn’t trust that I wouldn’t say something I’d regret and that Liam would hate me for.
But now, I need to say all this shit inside my head to a voice of reason. That’s Liam. And I need someone to stop me before I lose myself to my fear and act out in anger. But that’s Donovan.
I don’t have either. But I have to believe that even in the thick of this, Liam is still my brother. He needs to hear that I love her. That way he’s prepared. Then maybe he’ll forgive me one day.
“Sir, the street is blocked in front of Mr. Brooks’ home. I’ll have to park here, around the corner.”
“It’s fine, I’ll walk.”
The benefit of being awake all night is I can make it over to see Liam before we hit school today. The moment I step out onto the sidewalk, I’m taken aback by the cold. Then again everything’s felt cold today, especially my fucking heart. I pull my blazer closed, buttoning and tugging the sleeves to smooth the fit. The door clicks shut behind me as I make my way between passersby heading to their daily routines against the same smooth concrete and rows of trees that line his stately block.
The most vivid memory of Donovan and us as kids lights up in my mind, but I push it away as I walk, unwilling to think about her more than I already am. I picked up the phone to call Donovan a hundred times last night, but I can’t talk to her. What can I say? That I love her, more than I knew I could love anyone? Or that I hate her for telling all of her secrets to Caroline because that was supposed to be mine? That each time she gives another piece of herself away, it chips away at my heart, and I’m scared that I’ll have nothing to give her in the end?
Or do I just say, please choose me because I need someone I love to do that. Won’t be my mom. Never my dad. But I’ve felt like it was you since we were ten. Is that a lie? Because it’s been the only truth I’ve ever felt down to my goddamn bones.
My hand reaches inside my pocket, a sudden nicotine craving taking hold, but I come up empty. Damn. Before I can think twice about it, a loud whistle calls my attention just as I turn the corner, bringing me twenty feet from Liam’s house. I see him standing on the top step of his brownstone, calling to the driver across the street. His backpack is slung over one shoulder, but it takes me a minute before my thought registers.
That’s not his backpack. It’s Donovan’s bag. The one she carries everywhere. Why the fuck does he have her bag?
My feet move swiftly, pushing around the busy sidewalk. Why is she at his house? Liam waves at the driver he whistled to, calling him over again, and goes back to his front door and disappears inside. I close the distance until I’m standing at the bottom of the brick staircase, looking up and breathing hard. My heart is beating out of my chest, adrenaline pouring through me. Why is she here? Why is he calling her a car?
Has she been here all night?
If he touched her, I’ll kill him. I’ll ruin everything he’s ever loved. Take away anything he’s ever wanted until he offers her to me to make it all stop. All my thoughts are jumbled, warring for attention, but it’s Caroline’s voice that wins outs.
“She’s choosing Liam. She loves him. She loves your best friend.”
“Real, devoted love. The kind you want from her…the kind you have for her.”
“Liam is patient, where you’re bulldozing. He’s kind, where you’re cruel.”
“Maybe she doesn’t love you.”
No. no, no, no, no. She loves me. I love her. Caroline is wrong. But no matter how many times I say it, I can’t get my feet to move up the staircase, because I’m not really sure. Not truly. The door handle twists and I know they’re coming back out, but I still struggle to move.
Tires hit a pothole, and my head shoots to my right, seeing Liam’s car pulling up. In a moment of clarity, I cut around the side of the staircase to where a basement entrance is shadowed. I need to know what’s happening, and I don’t trust they won’t lie to my face. I have to fucking know if she chose him.
I hear the door open and feet shuffling, and in my haze, I push out to try and see their faces, but I’m halted and forced back into anonymity because I hear my favorite sound—her giggle.
Donovan. She’s happy.
I don’t know what’s about to be said between them, but somehow, I know that I’m never coming back from it. It’s the strongest sensation I’ve ever felt. As if everything I’ve ever held as a truth is about to become a lie. Fuck, don’t take her from me. My head falls back against the brick as I stay still and listen.