Filthy Little Pretties - Trilina Pucci Page 0,82
Fuck you, Paul. My stomach churns at the thought of what just happened. Oh shit, I’m going to be sick. I turn, pushing past Kai and the other people watching the commotion, to head to the bathroom, but Kai grabs my arm and leads me quickly, bypassing the line and shutting the door behind him. My feet rush to the stall, as my stomach protests all the alcohol and shame into the toilet.
The sink running is the only sound I hear as I wait for a moment, squatted in front of the porcelain. I pull some toilet paper, folding it into a square and wiping my mouth. What the fuck am I doing? An hour ago, this was glamorous and wild. Now, it’s as if all the shine has worn off, and I can see it for what it really is—a stupid decision to pretend my heart isn’t breaking.
“I want to go home.” My voice is barely a whisper, but Kai answers by helping me up and turning me around so I can wrap my arms around his neck, engulfed in his arms. I want to cry, but I don’t deserve to be sad.
“Come on, pretty girl.”
The shine in my eyes caused by my burgeoning tears makes my sight blurry as I pull back and look down at my hands.
“Grey discarded me today, so I threw myself away. He holds so much of me I don’t feel like I’m in control, and that’s a bad place for me to be, Kai. Please don’t let this—” I motion behind me at the stall. “—don’t let this be who I am to you.”
“Gorgeous, we all do stupid shit over boys. Present company included. No judgment from me. I love you too much for that.” The tenderness in his voice is juxtaposed from the deep timbre in it, and that makes me smile.
“Thanks, Kai.”
“No need to thank me. But some advice?”
I nod as I walk to the sink to rinse my mouth.
“Cut yourself some slack, Donovan. You’ll never be perfect, and the only person who seems to require that is you, because from where I’m sitting, there are two hot-ass boys who like you, just as you are.”
“I care for them too, but life’s not that simple. They want to force me into choosing between them, and I don’t want to do that. I can’t explain it, but I need them both, and I don’t want to lose either. Which means friendship only.”
I look at him through the mirror, as he crosses his arms. “You can’t have them both. You do realize that? Not when you really only want one.”
“How do you know I want him?” I won’t even say his name. Grey doesn’t even get that.
“Donovan, you had to have made your choice years ago. Because it was obvious the first day to everyone around the two of you. And the harder you fight that shit, the worse life will get. Fate, nature, whatever, it needs to take its course. Don’t fuck with the natural order, gorgeous.”
His reflection in the mirror is locked on my face as I wipe the back of my hand over my mouth. “Let me ask you something. What would you do if you were me? I barely know how to love myself but him…it’s like second nature. What I feel for him scares me, always has. He’ll make me clingy. Jealous. I’ll want to hide him away from everyone, keep him as mine all the time. Jesus, I basically already did that the day I met Caroline. That’s not love, Kai. That’s possession.”
“Maybe. But he’s more than strong enough to handle you and then some. I’m sure he’d prefer you kept it interesting. Fall for him. Let him love you, Donovan. He might just show you how to do it too.”
My brows draw together. “Loving me means sacrifice, Kai. How can I say I love him and ask that?”
He comes up behind me and kisses the top of my head. “I don’t know, but since you can’t even say his name, I’d say you aren’t ready to do that anyway.”
I turn into his chest and wrap my arms around his ribs, hugging him with all the love I have for Kai.
“Come on. Let’s go.” He gives me a wink, before taking my hand. “All those girls out there have pissed in their expensive Agent Provocateur panties while we cry over boys.”
He leads me out of the bathroom. Kai motions to security as we walk toward the front entrance. It looks as if they’ve been guarding Caroline.
“Did you arrange that?”
“I did. Wanted to make sure she stayed in a happy place and to get Troy away from her.”
We walk outside and Caroline comes up and hugs me, clearly still rolling, and lays her head on Kai’s shoulder.
“Where to next?”
He looks down at her, slightly frowning. “Home. Time for bed, Care.”
She smiles up seductively, but he shakes his head, making her pout as the limo pulls up and the driver jumps out to open our door.
“Steve’s got you, guys. He’s familiar with the routine.” Kai motions his head toward Caroline. “He’ll drop you first and then make sure Caroline is helped into her house. I have to finish my set. Will you be okay?”
“Yes. Go. I’m pretty sober now. And thanks again.”
I give him another hug and take Caroline’s hand, letting her into the back first. Kai stands at the curb, one hand in his pocket, the other giving a small wave as we pull away.
Caroline’s head leans onto my shoulder as we sit in silence before she asks, “Did something happen between you and Kai? Why were you in the bathroom?”
I give her head a gentle nudge so that I can turn to look at her.
“No. Never. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Her face is drawn, almost sad. It has to be the drugs—she’s in that stage where she’s feeling all manner of emotions. I reach out and tickle her arm gently, knowing that will calm her, but her words shock me into stillness.
“I’m such a fucking mess. Kai can’t really ever love me. Nobody can.” Her words are so sincere and remind me of myself. “I always hurt. It’s as if I can feel everything, every emotion, all the time, with the exception of happiness. Do you ever feel like that?”
I sweep a piece of her hair off her forehead and give a little shrug. “We’re all a mess. Our lives are tragic and beautiful, and we survive the best we can. You might want to stop self-medicating though. I’m not really one to give that piece of advice right now, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Trust me.”
The way she searches my eyes, it makes me feel like she needs more of what I’m saying. She’s pleading for someone to be her friend.
“Confess. How bad were you? I mean, the way you came back and never really let on why. I could tell something was up. Spain must’ve been something wicked.”
I gnaw my lip as I struggle with wanting to tell her, but not fully trusting her. An hour ago, I would’ve probably spilled my guts, but now I’m less drunk, so the worry is stronger.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. I get it, D. I’ve never given you any reason to trust me. That’s twisted, right? I don’t know what it’s like to have girlfriends, and I’m not sure I can even be a good friend, but you seem to understand…so I thought…”
“No. I do understand.”
Timing is a funny thing. When the opportunity to let go presents itself, it can’t be ignored. Who knew it would be in the back of a limo, smelling like puke with my high-as-fuck frenemy turned friend. A hard breath leaves my body, taking with it the weight of what I’ve been carrying.