it and led the way. She shuffled behind, but her footsteps were uncertain. When I sat on the couch and angled toward her, forearms on my knees, she followed. Her aviators came off and tucked her hair around her face, revealing uncertain eyes.
I swallowed. All my planned words had suddenly fled and what came out was the result of pure fear.
“I don't think I'm good for you.”
Her brow crinkled. While I tried to gather air back into my lungs to explain, her mouth dropped open.
“What?” she croaked.
Agitated already, I rubbed the back of my neck and leapt to my feet. She stayed on the couch, appearing small, her head tilted back to watch me pace.
“You do so much for us, Sera, and I don't really give you anything in return. I'm afraid that if we let things go any farther, you're just going to hate me in the end.”
Saying the words felt like a cascade of relief. At the same time, my world seemed to have paused. Several moments passed again before she was able to pull words together. When she responded, it was a whisper.
“I could never hate you, Ben.”
I scoffed. “You can, I promise. Sadie did, even though things were so good in the beginning. It seemed like the issues that destroyed most relationships could never touch us. But everything changed. We're not even, Serafina. You are beyond me. I . . . have Ava.” My voice dropped. “I could never bring to this relationship the same things you do. Could never be as present for you as you are for me.”
I ran a hand through my hair. This didn't feel as good or as right coming out as I wanted it to. The expected relief didn't follow again. Venting it was one thing. Living it was another thing entirely.
Why didn't she say anything?
She blinked several times. “Ben, I . . .” She stood, and I stopped pacing. We stood three feet apart, but the heat from her gaze still slammed into me. She tilted her chin up slightly, her shoulders squared. Despite her defiant posture, her tone was gentle.
“Ben, I love you.”
My soul shattered in a million pieces. No, I wanted to say. I can't be too late. How could you love someone so broken?
Like a sucker punch to the ribs, I sucked in a sharp breath.
She couldn't love me.
How could she love me?
“Exactly as you are, right now,” she continued, brave despite what must have looked like fright on my face. “You give me you and that's all I want. You are enough, Benjamin Mercedey. For me. For Ava.”
“You say that now, but what if that's not enough later?” I whispered. “When things are even harder. When we're deeper into this and our true colors come out and things aren't as exciting?”
A wounded look came to her face. I stepped forward, nearly toppled by the lightest scent of coconut shampoo as it slammed into me.
“Serafina, I haven't even taken you on a date. I've kissed you without even dating you.” I swallowed hard. “There are things I want to do to you that . . .”
My fists clenched with a blaze of heat, and it took all my considerable control not to bound across the space and grab her. I wanted to lock her into my arms and never come back up for air.
Her eyes were so wide the edges were ringed in white.
“I don't know if I can earn the right to have you,” I continued mercilessly. Because she had to know. “Two days ago, I wanted to help you after you sent me that text. Wanted to call you and find you and see if everything was okay. But Ava called right after. She was sick and needed me to pick her up from school. I couldn't be there for you. Not the way you're always here for us. This is what happened with Sadie. It was perfect in the beginning, but it changed. It devolved. Eventually, she became a monster that took, and took, and took. She would have owned my soul if I let her. Maybe she even did. I can't . . . I can't be that to you.”
Her hand twitched at her side, but stayed there. For a long, long time, something swelled between us. I couldn't read her gaze. She appeared exhausted. There were bags under her eyes, and I realized that I didn't know what had been happening for her the last couple of days.