I see through her, too. And what I really see are two women on the verge of something that could be horrible and destructive, or amazing and freeing.
Her words sent a chill through him. They felt foreboding. And he sensed that the choice she had made was the one that had taken her life. But what decision had Julia had to make?
Still thinking about that, he flipped through a few more pages. The Wolf jumped out at him: His smile hides who he is. I thought he would stop pretending with me, but I don't think he can stop. He's afraid of the dark side of himself. Perhaps I should be more afraid. But love blinds me. And deep in my heart I don't want to believe in that dark side. I keep thinking I'm wrong. What if I'm not?
The Wolf was someone Natasha loved. That, unfortunately, did not rule out very many people. Out of the original five, he knew she'd been married to Wallace and had slept with Constantine, maybe Bragin, too. What about Edward Coleman and Dustin Paul? So far, he hadn't seen any references to them.
He kept going, his interest increasing now that she was spending more time writing about the members at the Russia House.
Oh, my sweet Daniel. He's so smart in so many areas, maybe one of the most brilliant men I've ever known. He took me to a show at the planetarium, and he could tell me about every star, every planet in the universe. That night, I saw the world a bit differently. I realized how small my own world had become. He told me I could be anything I wanted. If only it were that easy. For Daniel, maybe it is. He hasn't made the choices I have. Or maybe he has, sometimes I wonder if the best actors are the ones who don't seem like they're acting at all.
Jax frowned at the last sentence. So, Bragin wasn't necessarily good, either.
For the next few pages, she talked about new problems in her relationship with Wallace, eventually asking him for a divorce: Wallace knew it was coming. He said I broke his heart. I'm beginning to think that will be my legacy: a trail of broken hearts. That would make a good headline. But I want my life to be about more than headlines. I need to start living a more authentic life. Maybe then my son will be able to find some reason to be proud of me. I've broken his heart, too. I need to find a way to make it up to him.
Jax was surprised by the new self-awareness coming across in her writings. She definitely seemed to be examining her life more closely. He flipped through a few more pages, pausing as another name came into focus—Edward Coleman.
Edward is so smooth. It's no wonder that he got so many people to vote for him. He's charming and he knows how to give people what they need, except for his daughter. I feel bad for Sylvia. She can never seem to get enough love from her father. But as I write this, I now feel even more sorry for Rex. He must feel the same way about me. I'm working on changing things. I hope it's not too late for me to be the mother I should have been. I hope someday he'll forgive me for being so selfish. He probably won't, and I probably don't deserve his forgiveness. I'm just glad his father is a good man. I know Phillip will always be there for Rex, and maybe one day they'll both be able to see me in a different light.
He wondered again what part of her life she'd been trying to change, and if she'd actually done anything or if her words were just words and nothing else.
He was getting close to the end of the journal, and he feared he was going to turn to the last page with no questions resolved.
As he ran his gaze down the next few paragraphs, he froze, shock hitting him in big waves. His gaze blurred. He couldn't believe what he was reading
I met a young man today. He's studying for a PhD in mathematics, but during his summer break he travels to chess tournaments. He's a true chess master according to Wallace and Daniel, who have already been beaten by him. He moves quickly. He seems to take no time to know the right moves.