"I'm…confused. I'm also angry and sad, which is how I've felt about my mother most of my life. All these years, I thought she killed herself with my drugs. I thought she did it in a dramatic way, to go out as the martyred mother who had tried to save her son but couldn't. It felt like the kind of headline she would have liked. But her death had nothing to do with me. I still can't quite wrap my head around that. She was a spy. She was a traitor."
"But then she became a patriot. I think she went to the FBI and started working with them because of you, Dad. She wanted you to have a reason to be proud of her for at least one thing. She says as much in her journals. It's one of the last things she wrote." She paused. "I don't think she ever really loved anyone but you, Dad."
"She left me. What kind of love is that?"
"She left everyone. But people in her life abandoned her when she was younger. Her mother died when she was four. Her father passed away several years after that. Then she was sent to live with a cousin in LA, someone she'd never met. That person died, too, and she was alone again. She was always being left alone. I think it's why she married so young and had you right away. She needed to have a family."
"Then why did she leave?" he asked in bewilderment. "Help me understand, Maya."
She really wanted to do that. "Natasha didn't know how to be a mother, and I'm not trying to defend her. She was ambitious and selfish, and she made horrible decisions about a lot of things. She certainly wasn't a good mother or a good wife, but over time she started to become more self-aware. She realized her faults. And she loved you in her own way. She loved Grandpa and Wallace, too. Her journals speak of them with great affection. The others were part of her spy game. She didn't care about any of them. Her ambition trapped her into that dark and dangerous world." She paused. "I think Julia was the turning point. In saving her friend, she realized she had to save herself. She had to make things right."
"And now Julia is dead."
"That's on me," she admitted, feeling an enormous weight of pain and guilt every time she thought about it.
"No, it's not," he said, echoing what Jax had told her earlier. "Julia should have gone farther away. But she didn't. And you know, she let some of those guys into her tennis club. I guess at some point she felt like she had enough power that she didn't have to hide. But she also remained silent about what she knew. She had to know that they killed my mother, and she said nothing. I'm not saying she deserved to die, but she wasn't completely innocent, either."
His words actually made her feel a little better.
"I guess you have your ending," he added. "Now you can make your movie."
"It stopped being about the movie a while ago, Dad. I just wanted to get to the truth."
"What's the FBI going to do about all this information?"
"They're building a case, but they said it will take time. There are a lot of people involved. Until then, they'd like us to remain here together, where we can be guarded."
"I understand, but I can arrange for our own security."
"These people are really dangerous, Dad."
"They've never come after me in all these years."
"Because you didn't know anything, but now you do."
"They don't know that."
"They will soon enough. It's just a matter of time."
"Well, we'll discuss it in the morning. I think we've done enough talking for tonight." He walked toward her, put a hand on her shoulder, and then he moved past her and into the house.
She blew out a breath, feeling like that hand on her shoulder was his way of saying it was going to be all right. As she moved over to the railing, her sister joined her, putting her arm around her shoulders.
"You did good," Darcy said.
For some reason, the words made her tear up, and she sniffed.
"I didn't mean to make you cry," Darcy added hastily.
"I know. It's just been a really long couple of days, and I feel emotional."
"You're entitled. I know I wasn't supportive before. I should have been. I was just worried about Dad."