Fear of Fire and Shadow (The Fade #1) - Samantha Young Page 0,110
my decision to stay on to advise Haydyn, even if we did not see the same future for Phaedra just now.
Thinking of Wolfe made me think of Matai.
“And Matai?” I asked, almost dreading her reply.
Pain and sadness painted a bright sheen in her eyes. “An alliance with Alvernia would be advantageous for everyone. It’s difficult enough sticking my nose in the Rada’s business, but as the wife of the son of the Rada of Alvernia, it would be within my rights to do what I could for the land and its people. I could bring so much to your friend L and her family’s life. But … if I marry Matai, a man of lower rank, then people will see it as a weakness. They’ll know I married for love. They might think me frail and too sensitive to rule. I cannot afford to be seen as weak.”
I flushed with anger, not only on Matai’s behalf but because I was terrified Haydyn would make the wrong choice and spend her life miserable because of it. I knew what it was to love now, and I didn’t want her throwing that away. “I told you,” I argued, “you have all the power. They’re not going to object to anything you do.”
Haydyn sat down, leaning over to take my hand in hers, her eyes begging me to understand. “I need time to think on it. I’m still holding the ball. I’ll make my decision then.”
I remembered Wolfe’s warning when I refused to marry him. “Matai won’t wait forever, Haydyn.”
She pulled back from me again, hurt in her beautiful and kind gaze. “You were the one who told me to make my own decisions. Now you’re angry because you don’t agree with them!”
I closed my eyes, my shoulders slumping in exasperation. Again … she was right. I glanced up at her through my lashes and nodded. “You are correct.” I tried to shrug off my misgivings. Haydyn wasn’t a little girl anymore. I had to let her make her own choices and believe she could cope with the consequences when they came. “I am glad you’re making your own decisions. Our opinions may differ but … all that matters”—I took her hand again—“is that I have faith in you. I went to the ends of the world because of that faith. I’m not going to give up on it now.”
She grinned back at me, relief thrumming visibly through her.
“Now, if we cannot agree about the evocation, have faith enough in me to believe when I say that Markiz Andrei and his son are not good men. They are not suited to rule at your side.”
Her eyes widened at the fierceness in my voice and she slowly nodded. “I believe you. I’ll find another way to gain influence in Alvernia.”
Relief filled me but I still worried for our future. For Haydyn’s future. For her happiness and for the wisdom of her decisions. I had seen the truth of Phaedra because I’d journeyed through it.
Perhaps it was time to stop coddling Haydyn and push her out into the world. “Mayhap,” I pondered, “it might not be such a bad thing if you were to see Phaedra for yourself.”
“What do you mean?”
“Visit the provinces. All of them.”
She considered this. “I suppose I could do a coronation tour once I’m kralovna.”
I smirked. “I was thinking something a little more daring.”
Haydyn raised an eyebrow. “Daring how?”
“You. In disguise. Traveling the provinces with a guide. A very capable, albeit a little rough around the edges, guide.” I pictured L leading Haydyn through the provinces and although I experienced more than a pinch of fear for Haydyn’s safety, I needed her to make an informed decision about the evocation. She couldn’t do that without seeing the world for herself, without everyone sugarcoating it for the princezna, soon to be kralovna.
The spark of adventure lit in Haydyn’s eyes. “You mean, sneak about Phaedra, pretending to be a commoner?”
I nodded. “For research. L Moss could be your guide.”
A slow smile pushed at the corners of Haydyn’s mouth. “You would really aid me in running away from the palace?”
“If it allows you to have the knowledge you need to make the decision you think is best for our world, then yes.”
Her eyes narrowed. “It might not change my mind about the evocation, Rogan. In fact, I’m certain it won’t.”
I shrugged. “If it doesn’t, then I’ll support whatever decision you make. But how can you rule Phaedra unless you truly know it?”