Fear of Fire and Shadow (The Fade #1) - Samantha Young Page 0,104
have no intention of marrying anyone, Wolfe. That’s what I was trying to explain earlier.”
“But I’ll marry, Rogan. I must. For the title. And I want a family. Could you stand to watch me marry someone else?” His voice deepened. “Because I will.”
I thought how painful it had been when I’d suspected he’d bedded Winter. If he married, I’d have to go through that pain every single day. I glared up at him now, my cheeks flushed with rage. “Why are you doing this? It’s cruel.”
Wolfe searched my face for a long moment and then he nodded. “It’s only cruel if you feel for me how I feel for you.”
I glanced away. This wasn’t the time or the place to explain why I couldn’t marry him.
Snapping his stallion’s reins, Wolfe took off to meet up with Chaeron and Dena, leaving me on Midnight. If I didn’t marry him, mayhap he’d marry Winter.
I struggled to draw breath.
But my fear of losing Wolfe couldn’t distract me from the truth.
Marrying him might mean losing myself.
And I’d just finally found her.
Although the Denas’ sons were on their best behavior, dinner was awful. I pushed my food around my plate, not able to eat under the heavy emotional weight I carried. It didn’t help that Wolfe hadn’t taken his eyes off me the entire meal. The Denas had been surprised and honored to have Wolfe sit at their table, but I would have given anything for Chaeron’s easy company. I was grateful when dinner was over and enough time had passed for it to be polite to retire to my room.
This time I slept in the extra bedroom by myself. Or tried to sleep. I sat huddled on the bed, my brain refusing to succumb to sleep as I went over and over Wolfe’s warning.
What would Haydyn say? I worried my lip.
I shook my head, snorting out loud. Haydyn was a romantic. I knew exactly what she’d say. She’d tell me to throw off all my concerns.
On the one hand, there was the pain I’d experience when I inevitably began to resent my life as a bored society wife. Never mind the fact that I was still terrified that by marrying him, I’d only grow to love him more deeply and then inevitably lose him in some way.
On the other hand, there was the pain I’d experience watching Wolfe live his life with another woman. To see him with the children she’d bear.
Or, back to the first hand: I could just tell Wolfe that marrying him would be dependent upon him agreeing that I remain at Haydyn’s side to help her govern. He would not like it. I didn’t know any nobleman who would not be affronted by the idea of a wife who worked. A wife was supposed to look after the household and rear the children. I would, of course, try to be a good mother, but the household would have to be maintained by either Wolfe’s mother or the housekeeper.
Wolfe would never agree to it.
You could ask him.
And have him reject my proposal? Reject me?
Surely it would hurt less to be the one who did the rejecting from the outset?
I growled in frustration. “This is it, Rogan. You’ve managed to overcome the fact that he’s the son of the man who killed your family, but you cannot overcome your own fears?”
I was a coward.
How could I be a coward after all I’d gone through?
Yes, there had been moments during this entire rescue mission that I’d fumbled and hated myself for. But I retrieved the plant! I escaped ruthless gypsies, dirty rookery thugs, and a perverted mountain man, and saved L’s life to boot! I’d even brought two star-crossed lovers together. I had faced a great deal in my life. How could I not find the courage to do the simplest thing of all …
To love Wolfe.
To trust him.
I loved Wolfe.
I loved Wolfe …
It be as simple as that, I heard L’s smirking, know-it-all voice in my head.
At the sound of the door handle rattling, I froze. When it rattled again, I slid one leg out of bed, thinking of the hunting knife I still carried in my pack. Just as my foot touched the cold wooden floor, the door opened and shut quickly. A familiar shadowed figure leaned against it.
“Wolfe?” I whispered, half-relieved, half-stunned.
The floorboards creaked as he tiptoed over to the bed. Then he slid in next to me without even asking permission!