them some amusement—although, not the tardy part. As far as everyone was concerned, I was the only one allowed to be fashionably late in Hell.
Expelling another a long sigh, I placed my hands on the table in full view of my men. This was a sign that I was doing my best not to smite them where they sat. I wanted answers, and I wanted them now.
“Speak,” I growled.
“They are presently in the infirmary,” one of the men whispered with a hint of a smile on his lips.
“Should I inquire as to why?” I asked.
“No Sire, you should not,” the Demon replied, bowing his head in respect or possibly hiding his mirth.
“Because?” I pressed.
“Tell him,” another Demon said, grinning from ear to ear.
This was not going to be good. Smiling Demons were a bad omen.
“Darby lit Dagwood’s asshole on fire, and Dino got caught in the blaze,” the first Demon choked out. “Third-degree burns on ninety percent of each of them.”
Speechless. I was rendered speechless for a moment. Difficult to do, but clearly possible.
“And why, pray tell, were they lighting their assholes on fire?” I asked, trying to keep my own smile in check. It wouldn’t do to show my horrified amusement when I was pissed.
“Beans,” a Demon at the far end of the table announced with a chuckle. “Technically, they were lighting farts, not assholes. Apparently, the gaseous content was high, and a harmless prank turned into an explosion of baked sphincters.”
I’d never heard of anything so ludicrous in my long and very colorful life.
“And where did they come up with this unsavory pastime?” I asked, still not sure whether to laugh or blow something up.
“The internet,” another replied.
“Of course,” I muttered with an eye roll. “How long are they expected to be in the infirmary?”
“Twenty-four hours,” a Demon said. “It was a big fire.”
“Unacceptable,” I muttered, glancing at the smirking faces of my men. They were all idiots. I needed someone who could get the job done. I knew who I needed to call, but his baggage was terrifying.
So be it. I had no choice. Between having my womb eviction day and possibly my life threatened, I still had to plunge a sword into my gut to please my irrationally hangry mate, I was a very busy Harbinger of Evil.
“Find Lizard. Tell him I have a mission for him. I’d prefer he come alone, but that’s not a deal breaker,” I commanded, closing my eyes in phantom pain of what was about to transpire. “I want him in Hell in an hour. Am I clear?”
“Yes, Sire,” the Demons answered in unison as they bowed and quickly made their exit.
Today was turning out to be a Hell of a day and not in a good way.
There was no rest for the wicked.
An hour later, Lizard stood in front of my desk flanked by his two Vampyre mates. The two ancient nightmares had waddled right into my office with my Demon warrior. Sadly, it was a fallacy that Vampyres had to be invited in. Garlic and crosses were also a myth. Decapitation or a silver stake through the heart were indeed sure-fire ways to eliminate a Vampyre, but that wouldn’t go over very well at the moment. Lizard was attached to the geriatric dead women, and I enjoyed Lizard tremendously. His loyalty and penchant towards violence was delightful. Killing his unfortunate choice of mates would be counterproductive and rude. I was working on my social skills, and it was incredibly tiresome.
Martha and Jane smiled and blew me kisses. They were out of their undead minds. I was the fucking Devil. The unappetizing show of disrespect was appalling. It was enough to make one scream in horror. Back in the good old days, I would have smote them where they stood.
However, I had no time for such luxuries. There was a mission to be doled out. If I had to suffer through the presence of Martha and Jane for an hour, so be it.
They were dressed as if they were about to perform a strip show in a human nursing home. While I was fully cognizant that incinerating them was a no-no, they’d leave minus a few appendages if they tried to remove their clothing.
“My liege,” Lizard said, bowing respectfully to me.
Lizard was an odd-looking specimen. Part Demon and part Fairy, he was a wonderfully savage individual. His dress sense left much to be desired, and he didn’t disappoint today. His ill-fitting royal blue tracksuit paired with a green beret and