kind onyx flooring would have to be replaced since enormous palm trees had burst right through the marble and destroyed it.
My mother was a fucking menace. Her visits cost me millions in repairs.
“Incoming,” Mother Nature shouted from an opening in the roof caused by the peak of a mountain that sat where my desk used to reside.
A solid gold stripper pole appeared in the middle of the chaos, and my mother came sliding down it in all her glory. About a third of the way in she lost her balance, fell off the pole, and crashed to the ground with a thud and a blood curdling scream. Standing up and pretending she had meant to do that, she smiled and curtsied.
I said nothing.
I was smart.
“Darling, what are you wearing?” she asked, eyeing me curiously.
“I could ask you the same question,” I replied, wiggling my fingers and conjuring up a pair of sunglasses. My mother wore an outfit—for lack of a better word—made purely of crystal. When it caught the sunlight streaming through the massive hole in the roof, it was positively blinding.
“Oh, this little thing?” she said as she twirled and preened. “Just something I had made for the party. I have to wear it until the evening of the soiree. Damn thing is glued on. You do realize the celebration is in my honor as well since I gave birth to you.”
“You don’t even remember the date,” I shot back.
“Yes, well, since we’re all older than dirt, I think you should cut your mother a little slack,” she snapped as her wild red curls began to blow around her head signaling a natural disaster was imminent.
As if she hadn’t already caused enough structural damage…
“You look umm… lovely,” I lied, hoping she wasn’t planning on performing at the soiree. Positive Steve Perry would not be my BFF if he saw my mother dance, I wanted to avoid the debacle if at all possible.
“I know. I’m exquisite!” she said with a shimmy that made her sparkle like the Milky Way on crack. “So, tell me what the strappy thing is that you’re wearing. Is it something new and hip that I’m unaware of?”
“If you must know,” I said, feeling every kind of superior. “It’s a papoose baby carrier… for my son.”
“So exciting,” she squealed as a few monkeys dropped out of the palm trees and did a spastic jig at her feet. “Where does the baby go?”
Looking down at the contraption that had taken me an hour to put on, I realized I had no clue where to put the baby. All I could see was a plethora of navy-blue tangled straps.
“I shall read the directions and figure it out,” I assured my mother.
That would be impossible since I’d burned the fucking directions to ash after the first forty-five minutes of trying to figure them out. No matter. The fact that I wore it at all was enough.
“Sadie will be here momentarily,” my mother told me. “She’s just beside herself with joy. Where’s Elle?”
“Napping,” I said, glancing over to the bedroom in alarm. My sigh of relief was audible when I realized the jungle had only shown up in my office and not the rest of the suite. If my mother’s crapping parrots disturbed my lover, I’d have Mammy cook the flock for lunch.
“Lucifer?” Elle called out sleepily. “What’s going on? There’s a monkey staring at me.”
“My mother is here,” I yelled back. “Your mother is on her way. Would you like me to smite the monkey?”
“No, he’s cute. I think I’ll keep him for our son. Pets are important.”
Closing my eyes and pressing the bridge of my nose, I tried to figure out how to tell my lover no. I’d give her the world on a stolen silver platter, but I drew the line at furry little bastards who enjoyed flinging feces.
“We have Hell Hounds darling,” I said, hoping that would solve the pet issue.
“I want a monkey,” Elle pouted as my mother clasped her hands together and grinned from ear to ear.
“You will pay dearly for this,” I threatened my mother in a hissed whisper. “A monkey is fine, my love. We can name it Gaia the Poo Slinger.”
“They sling poo?” Elle asked, not sounding as sure about her choice of pet for our child.
“Only for a few hours in the mornings on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Other than that, they’re wonderful,” my mother told Elle.
“Mmmkay,” Elle said, peeking her head out of the door and gently pushing the