said, mulling over the unnerving possibility of Mammy in Hell. “I suppose it’s not a bad fit. However, last time I saw her she was as blind as a bat. If I were you, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near your balls. As I said before, yours are very nice.”
Shoving my hands in my pockets so I didn’t electrocute my mother for mentioning my balls yet again, I nodded curtly. “Fine point. Well made. If the need arises, I shall read you the letter.”
“You’re welcome,” she said with a wink.
“I didn’t say thank you,” I replied.
“You didn’t have to, sweetheart. I can feel it. I’m your mother.”
And on that note, I left in a cloud of glittering black mist. I was tempted to actually say thank you to my mother. I needed to get back to Hell. Even stabbing myself was preferable to being polite.
My asshole reputation was being systematically shredded.
Chapter Seven
“I love you, you terrible man,” Elle whispered as she began to fall asleep in my arms.
“And I, you. Always, my deceitful beauty,” I said, sending a thank you to everything evil that Elle hadn’t tried to remove my balls.
There had been a tense moment earlier when she’d requested a butter knife to put jelly on her pizza. Thankfully, she smeared the pizza with the raspberry preserves and laid the knife back down. I hadn’t even had to stab myself this evening. It was a win-win.
The beans-n-franks had been a huge hit. Elle wanted more. As dreadful as the idea was, I’d sent for Mammy to come to Hell. Mammy had only been in Hell for a few hours and the entire kitchen staff of the Dark Palace had quit after she’d de-haired them.
To make matters worse, I still didn’t have a suspect in custody. Murry the badass had sniffed half the female Demons in Hell upon his arrival. He’d come up empty thus far. The Dragon had suffered a concussion, a broken nose and a severed leg. However, Murry was not put off by the violence—told me he’d quite enjoyed the female attention. The Dragon was an idiot. Maybe Mammy was an assassin and he was used to it. Or maybe my mother was nuts and her information was incorrect.
Wait, my mother was nuts.
Hell, I needed sleep and I needed my Siren. Elle seemed even rounder than she was this morning, but again, I found it wildly arousing. She could grow as big as a house, and I’d still hang on her every word and desire her until the end of time.
“Lucifer,” Elle said, yawning as she snuggled closer. “Martha and Jane brought someone here they want you to meet.”
“Here? In Hell?” I questioned. “How did they bring someone to Hell without my knowledge?”
“Yes, yes, and I don’t know. After a long discussion about cheeseburger sex, me explaining my need to tear your head from your body and a concert by the gals that made my ears bleed, Jane left for a bit and brought back a friend. Maybe it’s the illustrious Aunt Flow,” she said, barely able to stay awake.
While I was tremendously curious what cheeseburger sex entailed, I almost screamed at the mention of Aunt Flow. Was the woman real? Had they decapitated Aunt Flow and brought back her head to earn a favor from the Devil?
The heinous possibilities were endless. It brought a smile to my lips.
“Did you meet this friend?” I asked as I played with Elle’s hair the way she loved.
“No. Tomorrow. We will both meet her tomorrow,” she said. “Have to sleep. So darn tired.”
“Sleep, my lover,” I whispered, kissing the top of her head and closing my eyes.
Today had been excruciatingly long. Some shut-eye sounded wonderful. If the head of Aunt Flow awaited me in the morning, the pain in my ass Vamps had indeed earned a favor.
Now, I just needed to find the one who wanted to destroy my special day.
And when I did… it would not be pleasant.
“Sire, the cleaning staff quit,” Lizard informed me with a grin.
“And this is amusing to you?” I snapped, running my hands through my hair in annoyance.
The morning had started abysmally. The entire suite reeked of the beans-n-franks that Mammy had made for Elle’s breakfast, and now I had no staff to bleach my quarters to remove the offending stench. The only upside was that Elle was delighted with the odiferous fare.
“Got it covered. Darby, Dino and Dagwood are out of the infirmary. I figured as punishment for lighting their assholes on fire,