glitter covered Murry from head to toe. He jerked and convulsed on the floor for a moment then hopped to his feet.
“That hurt like a mother humper,” he shouted with a wide grin and a thumbs up. “Almost as much as when Mammy shoots a fireball at my nards.”
“Too much information,” I said with a raised brow. “Read the letter, Murry.”
Murry unfolded the letter and stared at it for a long moment in confusion. Had the spell not worked? That was impossible. I was fucking Sa… I was the fucking Satan. Murry’s joyous blubbering put my worries to rest.
“If you get the letter wet with your boohooing, I’ll electrocute you,” I said calmly. It felt lovely to be an asshole again after such a ridiculously magnanimous gesture. “Read, Dragon.”
“Lord of Darkness, the day will never happen. The birth will go unrecognized. The end draws near for your latest folly and the hands of fate shall be empty. Heed these words and do not try to replace what already exists,” he read then scrunched his nose.
“What?” I asked, wondering if he had more information.
“I can read it, but I got no clue what it means,” he said, scratching his mullet.
“Someone is trying to destroy my birthday,” I said flatly. “And they shall not be successful.”
“You want me to sniff out the baddie?” Murry asked.
“I do. And you are free to trim the culprit when he is found,” I added.
“Ain’t no he,” Murry said, sniffing the letter again. “It’s a she.”
My eyes narrowed dangerously. Could my mother have done this after all? If it was indeed Mother Nature, many of Murry’s clues were wrong. My mother was not a Demon, and she didn’t live in Hell. Although, my father, Bill, was a Sprite and visited Hell frequently to fix appliances. I had to procure new electrical items every time he came to Hell to repair things. He was a fucking disaster with a hammer and screwdriver. Could the Demon essence be on the letter because Bill spent so much time amongst Demons but lived in Nirvana with my crazy mother?
Preposterous. Or was it?
“You will come to Hell,” I commanded Murry as I snatched the letter from his hands and gave it to Lizard for safekeeping. “We will gather all the female Demons, and you will sniff them. Lizard, you will accompany Murry so none of the females maim or decapitate him.”
“Where will you be, my liege?” Lizard asked.
“I’m taking a short detour to Nirvana. I haven’t seen my mother in a while,” I said frowning.
“Got the beans-n-franks,” Mammy shouted from the top of the stairs. “Everybody take yer pants off. I’m gonna do a little trim for ya, on the house. Any friend of Murry’s is a friend of mine—not that he’s ever had friends before.”
“Cover yer nuts, men,” Murry said wild-eyed.
“Murry, turn up the news!” Mammy yelled as she slowly came down the stairs. “Dr. Ruth was kidnapped. It’s just awful. I love that sex-crazed little German gal. She’s a hoot. I’d fry her nose hair for free any day of the week.”
“Oh no! Some terrible person kidnapped Dr. Ruth?” Murry yelled back, horrified. “I love Dr. Ruth.”
“Who in the fuck is Dr. Ruth?” I whispered to Lizard.
“Tiny little sex and marital therapist of German descent,” Lizard informed me. “A real firecracker and very hot. Almost as hot as Carol Channing, Martha and Jane.”
And the day just kept getting stranger.
“Murry, I’m in a bit of a time crunch here. Would you mind skipping the beans-n-franks and the burning of the nads?” I questioned tersely.
“Was that actually a question?” Murry inquired.
“No,” I said with a chuckle. “It was the plan of action.” Maybe Murry wasn’t as stupid as I’d originally thought.
“Hey Mammy, I’m gonna go to Hell with my buddies fer a bit. Ya wanna come?”
Scratch that. Murry was an imbecile.
“Wish I could,” Mammy wheezed out as she made it down to the basement with a steaming crock of beans-n-franks that I was sure Elle would love. “But I have bingo with the girls later.”
Mammy was tinier than I’d originally thought. The old woman barely came to my hip. She was staring at me as if I’d grown another head. Taking no chances, I quickly covered my balls and glared right back.
“Well, I’ll be gobsmacked,” she shrieked at a decibel that almost blew out my eardrum. “Yer Blade Inferno—highest-paid romance author in the world! Just saw yer movie—funniest damn thing I ever saw.”
“It wasn’t a comedy,” I said flatly. I really needed