False Start - Jessica Ruddick Page 0,91

doubt believed it. I didn’t understand why that had become his truth. Because when he held me, when he kissed me, he was nothing but good for me.

“Why do you keep saying that?” I demanded, no longer willing to let him believe his own lies. “You make me happy, and I love you.”

“But you shouldn’t.”

Now he was really starting to piss me off, which generally happened whenever someone tried to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. I had never taken his shit when I was a kid, and I wasn’t going to take it now. I shoved my hurt aside. “Why are you being like this?”

He swung his legs over the side of the couch, coming up to a sitting position. It was all I could do not to rush over to steady him. It was unnecessary, though. He could certainly manage basic movements with an injured arm. It was just that I wanted to do something, anything, to help him.

“I never should have let us get together. It was a mistake.”

I gasped as his words forced themselves into my heart and detonated. “What?”

“I have nothing to offer you.”

I don’t want anything from you. But I didn’t say that because I knew that wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Anyway, that wasn’t exactly true. I wanted him to love me. That was all I had ever wanted. “Of course you do.”

He took a shaky breath and met my gaze. “I did, but now I can’t guarantee that anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not smart like you, or brave like Roman, or ambitious like my father. Did you know that I’m not going to graduate?”

I shook my head. I didn’t understand what this had to do with anything.

“I never planned to graduate. I only did the minimum required to remain eligible. I wouldn’t have even declared a major if they hadn’t made me.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I hated how shaky my voice sounded.

“I never told you that because I knew you would think less of me.”

I opened my mouth to object, but the words wouldn’t come. Truthfully, I didn’t know how I would have reacted if he’d told me that bit of information under other circumstances. I would have been disappointed, but that wasn’t the same as thinking less of him. Or maybe it was. But I wouldn’t apologize for wanting him to live up to his potential. That was what a person was supposed to want for people she cared about.

“I was one hundred percent sure I’d end up being a professional athlete.” He hung his head. “But now I just don’t know.”

I circled back to the words that had crushed my heart. “What does any of this have to do with us being a mistake? I can’t believe you would think that, because being with you is the best thing to ever happen to me.” I had laid my heart bare, hoping he wouldn’t use my words as ammo against me. I couldn’t believe I even had to worry about that.

“I knew I wasn’t good enough for you, but I ignored it. This injury forced me to face facts, though. You’re better off without me because you’re everything, and I’m… I’m nothing.” He choked out the last word.

I stepped toward him, wanting to take him in my arms. He’d hurt me, but he was hurting too, and that was so much worse. “You’re not nothing.” When I reached for him, he moved away, not letting me touch him. “You’re everything to me.”

He wouldn’t meet my gaze. “I have nothing to offer you.”

Goddamn him. I forced my hurt away, allowing my anger to surface again. Why did he think he needed to give me something? I had no idea what that even meant.

“You have you.”

“You deserve more.”

I stared at him. How could he think that? He treated me like I was the most precious thing in the world. He cared for me, looked after me. He loved me. I didn’t need anything else.

He’d always been self-deprecating when it came to his academics, but it had spread to his entire existence. I didn’t understand because Carson had always oozed confidence. But the last few weeks… My thoughts trailed off as it hit me.

Being with Carson might have been the best thing that had ever happened to me, but the converse wasn’t true. For whatever twisted reason, being with me had caused him to question his worth. I thought back to the night I came home after my