False Start - Jessica Ruddick Page 0,31

MORNING, I drove Carson’s Jeep to his apartment and picked up my car. I needed to return his key, but I’d purposely set out on this errand early so I wouldn’t have to see him. Hope he has a spare. I couldn’t avoid him forever. He would get his key back eventually but not right then.

When I returned to my apartment, I found that Lucy had emerged from her room only to fall back asleep on the couch with the TV blaring. She did that a lot.

Even though I closed the door softly, she sat up with a start, her eyes wild. “Who? What?”

This wasn’t the first time that had happened. I once joked that she had premature mom hearing. She didn’t talk to me for two days after that. Lesson learned.

“Sorry,” I said. “Go back to sleep.”

She wiped the side of her mouth, probably checking for drool. “I’m awake now. Did you have a good night?” I hadn’t seen her last night when I’d come home, which was good. Tears had blurred my sight so badly, I probably shouldn’t have driven.

Damn Carson. I hadn’t intended to blow up at him last night, but I’d hit my boiling point. And maybe—God willing—I’d finally hit the point where I was willing to let go of the idiotic dream that he would one day confess that his feelings mirrored mine. He’d never led me on—not exactly. He just did things like call me the prettiest girl in the room and buy me a milkshake. In short, he made me feel special in a way that he obviously wasn’t intending. Although I’d ruined his chances of going home with that girl last week at TOTS, that wasn’t normally how things went. He usually ended up leaving with someone. It was a punch to the gut every single time, but it was also a good reminder that Carson wasn’t on my dating menu. Or to be more accurate, I wasn’t on his.

That was what pissed me off the most. He didn’t want me like that, but he didn’t want anyone else to have me either. It was maddening. Even more maddening was the fact that I didn’t even want the guys I flirted with—I wanted him.

I had always wanted him.

I realized Lucy was still waiting for an answer to her question. “I was tired, so I came home early.” Not exactly a lie.

Not wanting to talk, I went into my room and shut the door. Then I texted my brother to see if he wanted to have lunch before he had to leave for home. I was glad I’d gotten to spend all yesterday afternoon with him at the game, but I wished he could stay longer. It was too bad Carson was the one with the spare bedroom and not me. If Roman even slept there. For all I knew, he’d gone home with the girl he’d been chatting up at the bar.

I wondered what Carson had told him about why I’d disappeared last night. Leaving without saying bye to Roman was a shitty thing to do, but I hadn’t been thinking straight. I shook my head as I remembered how I’d almost spilled my feelings to Carson. I really hadn’t been thinking straight. I couldn’t believe I’d come so close to making that mistake while he’d had some girl’s lipstick on his collar. Talk about bad timing.

But would there ever be a good time? I used to think there would, but maybe it was time to fully accept that there never would be, that there would never be a Carson and me.

Time to grow up and face reality, Becca.

My phone chimed with an incoming email, and I opened it, grateful for the distraction. It was from the homecoming court committee. My interview was set for Wednesday of the coming week. Shit. That was fast. I guessed it would have to be, though, since the event was the first week of October. That gave me three days to stress about it. Ugh. The interview itself didn’t bother me. I was actually great at those. What stressed me out was that after the interview, I might actually be on the homecoming court.

That’s the whole point of applying, stupid.

I never should have let Hanima and Courtney talk me into it.

No, that wasn’t right. I never should have let Carson’s incredulousness at the idea of me being on the court push me to go against my better judgment.

It all came back to Carson. Always had, always