Falling into Forever (Falling into You) - By Lauren Abrams Page 0,66
to offer an apology that I don’t want to hear.”
“Hallie…”
“Why were you on that roof? You still haven’t answered the question.”
He looks out the window and his words are barely audible. “I had the bottle. From the minibar, funnily enough, God’s great gift to mankind. I put it to my lips, and I almost took a drink, even while I was on the goddamn phone with my sponsor. He told me to get my ass to a meeting, so I got my ass to a meeting. Of course, I even took the goddamn bottle with me, which is like bringing gasoline to a fire. I went up to the roof to clear my head and to think. I really fucking needed a drink.”
He pulls the bottle from his jacket and hands it to me. “Keep that, please.”
I take it from him and tuck it away. “But you didn’t have a drink.”
He shakes his head in frustration. “That’s not the point. And you still haven’t answered my question, Hals, and I asked first. Why are you here? What were you doing up on that roof?”
The total subject change. By far the most annoying weapon in his arsenal.
“I did answer your question. I was worried about you.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“I don’t need to be saved.”
“I think everyone needs a little saving every once in a while. But I didn’t come up there to save you. I came up there to make sure you were all right.”
“What do you think? You think I’m all right?”
“I don’t know.”
He buries his head in his hands and when he lifts his head again, the look in his eyes nearly shatters me.
“I never wanted you to see me like this, Hals.”
“Like this? Really?”
I’ve seen him in far worse states. I try to push those memories from my mind, because thinking about Chris like that makes me remember that last terrible night in London, when everything had fallen apart.
He reaches across the distance I’ve put between us and takes my hand in his.
“Like this. Sad. In need of saving, no matter how pathetic that might be.”
“Last week, I was in need of saving, no matter how pathetic that might be. I owe you one.” I cover his hand with mine, feeling his skin vibrate under my fingers. “This is the only way I can think of to thank you. To check to see if you’re all right.”
“Can you sit with me awhile?”
“Of course.”
I’ve always thought of silence as the enemy, so I usually fill it with nonsensical words and silly observations.
But now, with the weight of life resting heavily on both of our shoulders, we sit for long minutes, letting the silence fill in all of the years stretching between us. There are a thousand things left unsaid, but I’m not ready to dive into that particular wreck.
So, for the first time in my life, I find solace in silence.
And in the warmth of his hand on mine.
The minutes pass in nothing more than a heartbeat. While I should have had time to prepare for it, his next words shock me out of the magic of the moment.
“I have to say it, Hals. I can’t be with you, in this room, without saying what I’ve needed to say for five years.”
His face is wracked with pain. I don’t want to hear this. I try to cover my ears, but I’m not fast enough.
“I don’t know when or if I’m going to see you again, and I can’t let you slip out of my life without telling you how sorry I am. I’m sorry for not telling Marcus and the publicity people to fuck off, because I know it bothered you and I just pretended like I didn’t notice. I’m sorry for London. I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I’m sorry for being young and stupid and drunk and for not realizing that I was throwing away the love of my life just because I could and because I was a fucking alcoholic who couldn’t admit it to himself. I’m sorry that you had to clean up my messes and apologize for me. I’m sorry for all of it and a thousand more things that I probably did and that I can’t remember because I was so fucked up that I didn’t see you falling away from me.”
His face makes me want to weep.
“I’m sorry, too. I gave up on you. I didn’t know how to help you, so I just gave up. I shouldn’t have done that.”