Falling into Forever (Falling into You) - By Lauren Abrams Page 0,40

for years. You have no idea how many times I’ve thought that.”

He doesn’t respond at first. I’m shaking with it, the old fear that I would never be good enough, that it wasn’t me that she actually wanted to be with.

Sam’s voice is cold, and full of certainty and anger. “I said that Ben was the kind of guy that doesn’t come around twice, and I meant it. I said that he was my best friend, and I meant it. I said that they were happy together, and I meant that, too. On paper, were they perfect for each other? Sure. But I never once saw her look at him the way she looked at you. It just wasn’t that kind of love between them, Chris. It was the comfortable kind, the sharing of socks kind, the making breakfast for each other in the morning, the shared history and memories kind of love that makes you grateful that someone can put up with you for so long.”

I take a breath.

“But it wasn’t the kind that wraps you up and spins you around and makes you want to scream and yell and never let go. I’ve had that, and I’m telling you right now that I would never be happy with anything else. I think you and Hallie had that, too. I don’t know if she was ever going to be truly happy with anything else.”

“What are you saying to me, Sam?”

“You never listen, do you? Hallie Caldwell was always going to be in love with you. Always. It doesn’t matter how perfect for each other she and Ben might have been. It doesn’t even matter that the two of you were always going to be a powder keg of wrong. What I’m saying to you is that you could have waltzed into her happy little home and busted it wide open. Yes, I think that. She would never have left him, not once they were married, but I think she was always going to be at least a little bit in love with you.”

“That’s just you, making things up. Seeing things that aren’t there.”

“No, I’m not. It’s what Hallie thinks, too.”

“She thinks that I should have come and ruined her marriage? No, Sam.”

“Not like that. I’m not explaining myself very well right now, am I?” He looks to me for confirmation, and I don’t give him the satisfaction of a response. “For some reason, she thinks Ben’s death was all her fault. It’s insane, of course, but she thinks it’s all some cosmic joke, that he knew that she was never going to love him the same way that she loved you, and that’s why she lost him, that’s why he was taken from her. She thinks that she didn’t deserve him or their life together.”

“What?”

“She thinks that she didn’t deserve him or their life together, and that’s why he was killed.” He speaks slowly and clearly, like he’s talking to a small child. “You can’t carry that kind of weight without letting it fall in on you, man.”

I look at Sam.

“So, what do I do now?”

“See, I thought you were just going to ask, ‘How do I find her?’ My response, before I started telling old stories, was that it was never the right question. Instead, you need to think about what you’re going to do when you do find her. And the answer to that is definitely not to fuck her. Even I understand that people have needs, but sex isn’t going to solve anything here. There are other issues at play, ones that you know nothing about. It definitely isn’t my place to get into those right now, but you really need to trust me when I tell you that sex is not the answer. So, Chris, what are you going to say? What questions are you going to ask?”

“I need to know whether the crazy kind of love that lasts lifetimes and makes you want to rip all your hair out and crawl inside the other person’s skin and never let them go is worth fighting for. I know what I want. I just need to know what she wants.”

Sam takes in my words, and long moments pass. “She’ll be in Chicago next week, for the production meeting. The only thing that I’m asking of you is to think about it, to think about whether your latent desires are worth possibly destroying her for good. You also need to think about whether it’s worth possibly destroying