Falling into Forever (Falling into You) - By Lauren Abrams Page 0,21
begins to contort herself, I feel myself slipping under, losing myself to this particular kind of madness. I’m so far gone and outside of myself that I barely realize it when we burst into flames.
* * *
Long minutes later, I’m still drifting in and out of consciousness. I’ve been trying to keep myself from leaving the glow of our love-making, to keep the feel of her in my arms so that it remains tangible, unlike the half-remembered dreams I usually wake up from. I reach for her to reassure myself that she’s not merely an apparition, but I find nothing but a warm spot on top of the bed.
For a moment, I think she’s already gone, but when I glance up, I find her huddled over the table, scribbling away furiously.
“Hallie.”
She looks back at me, but she doesn’t quite meet my eyes. Bad sign. Fuck. I want to cross the room and pull her into me, but her arms are crossed firmly against her chest and her eyes are solid steel. It’s clear that she’s built a protective barrier around herself, one that I can’t penetrate.
I attempt to wipe my face of any trace of emotion, but apparently, I’ve been making my living in the wrong business, because it’s not working.
“Chris.”
“I…”
“Please don’t say anything.”
Unfortunately, I’ve seen that particular brand of tension in her body and that exact look on her face before. I know what they mean. And I know that there’s nothing I can say that will make her stay.
She lets the paper drop to the table in a flutter and gives me a sad smile.
“Thanks for not rejecting my advances, Chris. I appreciate it.”
She might as well be talking about the book deal.
“Anytime.” It’s barely audible.
Her eyes soften slightly, and her hand flutters upward as if she’s going to reach out and touch me. At the last second, she recoils and pushes her hand away, like it moved on its own. “Chris, I…”
“I know, Hals.”
I silence the voice in my head that’s telling me to drag her back into bed.
I thought I would be able to give her this thing, this moment of being able to forget about everything else. I thought I would be able to leave this room with some kind of closure, knowing that I couldn’t bring myself to harm her again.
But I want more than that. I want her. I want to make her feel whole again, because it’s obvious that even though she’s badly broken, she’s not beyond repair. And, because we’re all selfish creatures, to one degree or another, I need her to make me feel whole again, too.
“You don’t have to leave, Hals.” I keep saying her name, as if to prove to myself that she is actually still here. I know she’ll refuse, but I still need to say it.
“I was leaving anyway. I need to go, or otherwise, Sam will wonder if I decided to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge or something. I mean, I know we’re not in Brooklyn, but Sam always manages to come up with some crazy story. You know how he worries…”
She stops abruptly and takes another step backwards. She certainly didn’t mean to let that piece of information slip out. I tuck Sam’s name away in the back of my head. I can’t stop her from leaving, and I won’t. I need to tread carefully, to figure out how and why and if it’s even possible to make her fall in love with me again.
“Chris, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t share the fact that we knew each other, way back when. The press hasn’t managed to make the connection between you and me, even though there are some pictures of us still out there, and I’d really like to keep it that way, especially with the movie coming out and the fact that I have to do all of the interviews, and it would probably be better for me if no one ever found out that I was linked to you. I mean, not that we were ever really linked together, since Marcus insisted that we shouldn’t be or anything, but now it would just be such a disaster…”
She moves to cover her mouth with her hand, and the gesture is accompanied by a frustrated shake of her head.
At the tumble of words, at the tiny echo of the old Hallie, I grin.
I can’t tell if she’s going to throw something at me or break down into tears. To my surprise, she smiles.