Fake Friends - Saxon James Page 0,74
up.
“I didn’t know if I wanted to.”
“And now?”
My gaze flicks toward Father O’Connor and Dad as they slide into a booth in the corner. “Undecided.”
“Where have you been staying?”
“With Circus …”
Her inhale is sharp. “I thought you might say that. Rowan …”
“Are—are you mad?”
“No. No, no, no. I’m …” She lets out a watery sniff. “I love you.” It sounds more like she’s trying to convince herself than remind me. “We just want to have a conversation. Talk through some things.”
I’m uncomfortably aware of what those things might be. “Fine. Let’s get it over with.”
We join the booth with Dad and Father O’Connor, and as I slide in beside Mom and she takes my hand, a lump lodges itself in my chest. I’m itching to jump up and run out of here, but I need to stand my ground. Running won’t change a damn thing.
“Thanks for meeting us,” Dad says gruffly, staring at the table.
I don’t bother responding.
Father O’Connor reaches a hand across the table. “Rowan, good to see you again.”
“You too.” I give it a solid shake. “Sorry, I’m just struggling to work out what you’re doing here for a family conversation.”
“While I’m a priest, I also have experience with family reconciliations. Your parents asked me here to provide support for you all.”
Support for us all or just them?
“Who would like to start?” Father O’Connor asks.
“I think we just need more information, Rowan,” Mom says. “I mean, how long have you been …?”
“Gay? Forever. It’s not something that just happens.”
“No, of course not …”
“You’re disappointed.”
“Rowan … I could never be disappointed. I’m, well, worried. We’re all”—she gestures to Dad—“worried.”
“I bet some of you are more than worried.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it? Dad? Are you seriously going to say you and Grandpa haven’t already disowned me?”
He takes a measured breath. “I won’t disown you. I’m just struggling to understand.”
“What is so hard to understand?”
“You played football, and had that nice girlfriend, and—”
“What he means is, it’s just not something we were prepared for,” Mom says. “You took us all by surprise, and now I have a beautiful son who’s all these things that we’ve been told are sinful, and Rowan, I just, I don’t know. I know you’re good, and I’ll always love you, but I’m … struggling. I mean … are you sure you’re gay? Maybe you just haven’t found the right—”
“Don’t. I know what you’re going to say, and it’ll just piss me off.” I want to get angry and tell her to fuck off, but what she’s going through now is the same thing I’ve struggled with since I first realized that I didn’t look at girls the way my friends did. “I know,” I finally say. “I’ve had the same little voice, all my life, telling myself I’m wrong, or disgusting. And I’ve tried to fight this, Mom. So much. But I couldn’t.” Tears are pushing at the backs of my eyes, but I refuse to let them out this time.
Dad lets out a heavy breath. “We have a deal for you.”
I don’t like the sound of that. I glance over to where Leon’s just walked in and send him the best help eyes I possibly can, but he just turns and walks out again.
“We’ll accept this … thing, on one condition.”
“Which is?” I eye him warily, knowing I’m not going to like what he’s about to say.
“We want you to get help. Ah, therapy, if you will. Father O’Connor knows of a good place with good people.”
“Conversion therapy?” I reel back from the thought of it. Yes, I might have considered it years ago, but I know better now.
“Strictly voluntary,” Father O’Connor says, raising his hands. “I know there are some bad places out there, but this one is all aboveboard. Nothing illegal. That said, it’ll only work if you want it to work. I don’t recommend it to anyone whose mind is set on homosexual ways.”
I’m breathing heavier, gripping the table edge with one hand and squeezing Mom’s tighter with the other. “You would rather I went through this and made myself unhappy than accept me as I am?”
“Come on, Rowan,” Dad snaps. “The Bible is clear. You’re our son, and we only want what’s best for you.” To my surprise and horror and shock, he blinks back tears. “We’re scared. Scared that if you go down this path your soul will be …” He can’t even say the words. “We love you. And maybe this will help, maybe it won’t, but all we’re asking