Fake Friends - Saxon James Page 0,62

he’s an old man.

Or maybe we’ll find a way to make this work so we both get what we want.

I don’t even know.

But if I keep pretending like everything is fine, I’ll will it into existence.

Right?

Right.

I’ve got this all under control.

So long as I ignore the closeted aspect.

And the uncertainty.

And that lingering voice in Rowan’s head that’s determined to sabotage everything for him.

Not to mention my truckload of issues.

I pull a face at my computer screen as I lean back in my chair.

Yep.

Everything.

Is.

Fine.

The loud creak of the front door echoes loudly in the hall. If anyone’s home, they’ll know I’m here in about a minute, but I’m not in the mood to face them.

I didn’t bother telling anyone where I went for a reason. I didn’t want the questioning, and I didn’t want them to try and guilt me out of going once they knew Circus was involved.

So I left them a note saying I’d be gone a couple of days and then texted Mom that it would be a couple of days more.

And damn were they good days.

I dump my bag on the bed, tempted to pull the Polaroids out, just to remind myself that day happened. In this house though, that’d be a recipe for disaster, so instead of listening to my instincts, I start looking for a good hiding place.

There’s a knock at my door, and I quickly shove my whole bag in the closet before the door starts to open.

Mom pokes her head inside.

“I thought that was you,” she says, walking closer to pull me into a hug. “How was your time away?”

“Yeah, good. Didn’t miss me too much at the diner?”

“I’ll always miss you, but the diner was fine.”

I smile, really hoping she means that.

“You picked a good night to get back. Piper’s coming over for dinner, so Gran cooked her cheesy chili bake and apple pie. And we all know how much you love her pie.”

“It’s like you knew I’d be here for it.”

She taps her temple. “A mother’s intuition. Now get changed, dinner’s nearly ready.”

Pity her mother’s intuition missed a pretty big thing about me. If she’d just known, it would have made a world of difference.

If I couldn’t hide the gay, I’d already be outed and therefore I’d already know the outcome.

It’s the not knowing that’s driving me crazy.

It’s the wanting to be with Circus, so much, that I’m actually for the first time in my entire life tossing up just how bad things could get—and whether it would be worth the trade-off.

Mom leaves me to unpack my shit, and I finally stash the photos away where I’m sure no one will accidentally find them. Now, if they were to purposely go looking for some big, gay contraband they’d probably sniff them out quickly, but while my family are a lot of things, they’re not snoops.

I’ve just put a load of washing on when I hear Piper arrive, but even still, I drag my feet.

When I imagine family, I picture warmth and love and acceptance, and I wish I could claim that was because my own family empowered me to think that way, but unfortunately, mass media consumption has more to do with that impression.

My family are warm in their own way. But when it comes to Grandpa and his opinions, it’s fall in line or leave.

It constantly makes me wonder whether Mom and Dad just do the church thing for him or if they actually believe it themselves.

Not that it matters.

After going to church for so long, it’s hard to get those teachings out of your head. And while I have to admit there is a lot of good in there, it also comes with a heavy undercurrent of obedience and compliance which I’m not so comfortable with.

Some days I wish there were an off switch for religion.

But without one, I just have to hope my parents’ love is stronger than the voices the church leaves in your head.

And I know firsthand how loud those voices are.

I sigh and run a hand through my dirty hair, figuring I should probably take an actual shower after a week of bathing in ponds or whatever off-road dingy motel we could find.

Then I guess I can’t put off facing them any longer.

I’m too jittery to enjoy my shower, so I scrub quickly and get out, dress, and decide I might as well get all the questioning over with.

I can never tell them the whole truth, but I’m not going to lie about who I