Fake Friends - Saxon James Page 0,43
mean, you set up your own account and …”
His blue eyes narrow as he stares at the opposite wall, clearly turning it all over in his head. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
“Even though there’ll be no hiding?”
He cringes. “Feeling less confident, but sure.”
“Yes!” I could kiss him I’m so excited. But the last thing I want is to create any freak-outs, so I grab my phone and busy my hands instead.
Me: We’re both in.
The reply comes quicker than expected.
Preston: I know you didn’t just say ‘we’ when I was very clear that your boy wasn’t involved
Me: New number, who dis?
Preston: You’re going to be the death of me. I swear to fucking God, Circus …
I guess I know how Batman feels.
Leading a secret life is exciting as balls, and with every day getting us closer to our LA trip, I’m getting pumped.
The whole social media thing isn’t a huge buzz for me the way it is for Circus, but I’m starting to understand why that is. The influx of messages and comments are super positive—it’s like having an extended family.
That would be pretty hard to resist for someone with no family at all.
It’s beginning to feel like, more than ever, I’m being torn in two directions.
The person I am posts photos and has fun with Circus and goes out to drinks with his friends. Tanner and Royce got the keys to their house, so I’ve stopped around to help them with some demolition, and Leon even talks to me when he comes into the diner for coffee before starting his long days.
The person I’m supposed to be works at the diner and helps Grandma in the kitchen and watches football with Grandpa. I keep my mouth shut and my head down, and try to ignore that voice that keeps telling me I’m being deceitful to everyone.
Well, everyone except Circus.
He’s the only one who actually knows what I’m going through and is there for me anyway. And even though I shouldn’t, even though I have next to nothing to offer him, I’m falling for him all over again.
Except this time, it’s not some high school fascination. It’s not awe or idolization. I look at him and feel warm inside. I look at him and can imagine coming out and telling people who I am and not hiding anymore.
But then the voice reminds me it’s impossible.
I sit with my family during Sunday mass, letting my thoughts drift back to the day before. Circus drove us out to a water hole that I didn’t know existed. It was in the middle of the forest and looked like someone had cut a perfect hole into the ground and filled it with crystal clear water. We spent hours just goofing off and hanging out before he even remembered we were supposed to be taking photos. It was nice. It gave me just a little insight into how having a boyfriend might be.
Well, sort of. I can’t imagine anyone coming close to matching Circus.
His friend Jules starts to play a hymn on the piano at the front of the church, and the people around me start to sing. I don’t join in, even though I know every word, because how can I sing about a great and powerful God who loves everyone, when in the priest’s next breath, he makes it clear God doesn’t love me?
I refuse to believe it though. I might have struggled with my sexuality, but I’ve never struggled with my faith. Because when I imagine God, I imagine a different entity to the one the churches force on me.
I look around the room, noting the lack of familiar faces. No Circus—he told me he stopped coming after his parents died—no Tanner and Royce or Dahlia or Leon. Jules’s boyfriend is down the front along with Rafe and Laura, who Circus used to hang out with in school.
And if Tanner and Royce and Leon can fall in love with men and not attend church, yet all be leading happy, healthy lives … Why can’t I?
Why can’t I?
A weight transfers off my shoulders and sinks into my gut as I stand up midsong …
Ignore the confused glances …
And walk out.
***
I head to the diner and open up early. My family is already going to be angry that I walked out on Sunday mass, so this can be my penance.
No sooner have I unlocked the doors—a whole hour early—than Leon sticks his head inside.
“I thought you guys were closed Sunday morning?”
“Usually are.”
He pushes inside and pulls