Fake Friends - Saxon James Page 0,30
in my chest gives a little pang. I know this is all for the camera, but when you’ve imagined getting this close to a man for the entirety of your adult life, apparently your body doesn’t get the message.
So I do what I’ve always imagined doing.
I grab his hip, then let my hand slide up his back, over the top of his shirt. It’s all hard muscle under my palm and I have to cup his face with my other hand to stop it from shaking.
“You okay?” he asks. The natural rasp to his voice encourages my cock to thicken faster.
“I don’t know.”
“We can stop.”
We probably should before that voice can kick in and tell me everything I’m doing is wrong, but I shake my head instead.
“You know, if you started your own account, you’d be able to get your own sponsorships, build your own brand. It would mean when we stop doing this, you’ll be able to keep making money from it.”
“Seems too risky.”
“You can keep it anonymous. Even brand it with all the him stuff we’ve been doing. Literally no one in town has my account except Leon, so what’s the chances they’d find yours?”
That’s true. But still, this is pushing it enough.
“You more than keep me on my toes.”
His gaze drops to my crotch, and a smile spreads over his face. “You seem to like it.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “No complaints here.”
He shifts closer and wraps his arms around my neck.
I struggle to breathe.
He’s so close. So fucking beautiful.
I run a finger over his defined jawline, wishing this was real, and wishing I could take the moment further.
“You know how I avoid the boner issue?” he asks.
“Hmm?” My thoughts are getting slower, and that slimy feeling is starting to set in. That inherent wrongness that cloaks everything masculine in my life makes me want to throw Circus off my lap and leave.
I refuse to let it win.
My hands grip his back tighter, and I force myself to meet his eyes.
“What do you do?”
“I jerk off.”
I don’t know what look I’m wearing, but it must be hilarious because he starts to laugh.
“Relax, man. You can’t tell me you don’t do it.”
“Not … not often.”
“What?”
“Well … guys are what turns me on, and thinking about guys makes me feel uncomfortable, so …” Dear God, stop talking. This is way more information than Circus ever needs to know.
“Do I make you uncomfortable?”
“What?”
“Do I—” He leans in and nips my ear. “Make you. Feel uncomfortable?”
“No.”
“And you’ve done work on learning how to accept yourself, right?”
“Yes …”
“Then let’s do some more.”
“Like …?”
He pulls back and locks eyes with mine. “As soon as you’re home, call me.”
“What … why?”
“Just trust me.”
Well, look at me being an absolute saint by trying to help Rowan release some tension.
Sitting on his lap like that and seeing his pupils blown out with lust cemented the fact that I need closure. So maybe this is somewhat selfish. Maybe. A little, I guess.
There’s absolutely no harm in him popping a boner during our shoots because I can edit those beasts right out, but … well, first, I hate the thought he’s still struggling with his sexuality. That shit isn’t cool. It makes me want to confront his homophobic family and tell them all to go to hell.
How anyone can claim to be Catholic and have a problem with who people fall in love with is beyond me.
And second … he’s just so. Hot.
I’ve needed to jerk off before our shoots because otherwise I’d be dry humping him like an animal.
So it only made sense to suggest we jerk off together … but separately.
Because maybe if he gets comfortable with this, he’ll get comfortable with other stuff.
“You ready?” I say, tilting my head toward my phone.
He blows out an exhale. “I’m not sure about this.”
I smile at where my phone is sitting on my bedside table. “We can do it on video if that’s easier?”
“Nope, baby steps.”
It was worth a try. Knowing Rowan is lying on his bed, preparing to jerk himself off, has me straining the front of my briefs. “It’s okay, you know. Forget all the negative shit you’ve been told. I have no idea what it’s like obviously, but I do know that thinking about guys isn’t bad. It’s hot as fuck. Tight abs, round pecs, thick thighs …”
He breathes heavily into the phone.
Knowing he’s turned on makes me want to take more risks. I push my underwear down roughly. “Want to know what I’m doing now?” My