Fake Friends - Saxon James Page 0,26
I have the bank balance to prove it. They still won’t be happy, but at least they won’t be worried for my soul.”
I purse my lips. “Still not planning on coming out, then?”
“I guess one day, when my grandparents move on and my parents get older, I might try it out then. But the little voices in my head are hard to shake.”
“And have you? Tried to shake them?”
“Are you asking if I’ve hooked up with anyone?”
I cringe. “You know what, I’m not sure I want to know.”
“Relax. There have been a couple of weak moments in clubs, but other than that, I’ve kept it securely in my pants.”
“That sounds fucking tragic.”
He doesn’t look at me as he manages a sad smile. “Yeah, I know. And the shitty thing is not being able to talk to anyone about it.”
“But you’ve obviously come to terms with it? That you’re gay?”
“Yeah. It took a lot of time. I went to a meeting for a conversion therapy group, talked to people about how it worked, and met with some guys who had successful experiences. I didn’t end up going through with it, but that was me at my darkest. Then I saw a psychologist for a little while. She helped me get to the label and said a lot of gay men grow up with the same issues I have.” He pauses, looking awkward. “And I talked about you a lot. She’s the one who suggested that maybe I needed closure in order to move on.”
“Did it work?”
He looks at me, stare tracing my features. “I don’t know yet.”
It’s a good reminder that this thing between us ended for a reason. As much as I want to throw out all the hypotheticals of what might have been, the only certainty is that Rowan never would have come out, so it never would have worked.
He clears his throat. “What did you mean the other day? About apologizing for the wrong thing?”
Ah, that. A moment where I completely lost my mind and shared more than I should have. I’m about to brush aside the ridiculousness of it all when I glimpse his serious face. “Just …” I swallow. “It was never my nose I was angry about.”
“What—”
“You left.” My voice gets louder than I mean it to. “And how fucked-up is that? I was ready to forgive you, that exact second, for what you did, but you left before I could. You cut all ties, and I … I thought I’d never get to see you again. That’s the part that hurt.”
Rowan doesn’t answer. I have no idea how he’s processing my reaction to this huge event he’s had hanging over his head for half a decade, but I can’t find the emotional energy to be any more real with him than I already have been.
He shakes his head. “You wanted me to stay?”
“I did. At the time. I guess that’s what stupid teenage hormones do to a guy.”
“Yeah. I guess.”
“Well, it doesn’t bother me either way now,” I say, forcing a happier tone. “I’ve got myself an on-demand boyfriend without benefits, and you get to stick around here.”
Rowan’s smile looks forced. “Without benefits? Damn, hey?”
“You can talk big all you like, but we both know you’re not ready to put your money where your mouth is.”
His shoulders slump. “True.”
And he looks so dejected, I can’t help but reach over and give his thigh a quick squeeze. “One day things will be different.”
Rowan’s large, tattooed hand covers mine. “God, I hope so.”
Every time I’m with Circus, we go somewhere different. Who would have thought that Oregon had so many cool sights to see? He seems to know all the areas that have the best light, or the best backdrop, and I’m slowly slipping into that place where he occupies my mind ninety percent of the time.
Which isn’t great when I’m working the grill at Harvey’s or helping Grandma out in the kitchen.
The difference now though is whenever those thoughts come up, I don’t immediately push them out. Instead, I try to remind myself that it’s normal, there’s nothing wrong with who I am and who I’m attracted to.
And I’ve always been attracted to Circus.
His confession on Crown Trails left me reeling and opened up a whole load of questions about what life would have been like if I’d stayed here. Would we have gotten through it? Would I have ever come out?
I know that both of those scenarios are unlikely, but I keep torturing myself