The F It List - Alexis Winter Page 0,15
it’s not bad.”
“I think I’d kill someone,” I joke.
There’s a long silence as we both eat and stare off at the TV. “Is this how you spend your Friday nights? No hot date?” I ask, stealing a quick glance at him.
“Not usually. I don’t date much.”
“Why not?” I ask, surprised. I figured a guy who looks the way he does would have a different girl every weekend.
“I mean, I used to. Back in college. But then I just got tired of the same shit over and over. Every girl I dated just wanted to hook up, and there was always so much drama. So I got tired of the whole song and dance and decided I’d only date someone after I got to know them. That meant fewer dates, but the quality was better. I’m not interested in dating every girl I can. I’m only interested in finding the one who will stick.”
“Wow, so you’re a romantic too, huh?”
He chuckles. “I guess you could say that. My roommate would definitely say I am. He’s more of the dating-for-fun type and he gives me shit all the time because I’m not.”
“I think it’s sweet,” I say, turning my attention back to the screen.
“What is?”
“That you know what you want and aren’t willing to settle for anything less. That’s what I need to do. I just have to keep reminding myself. It’s like there’s something broken inside of me and I’m willing to do anything for a person who pretends to not see it.”
“There’s nothing broken in you, Cora. You’re a good person who’s listened to too many assholes. When it comes to the people who have treated you like that, you realize it says more about them than it does about you, right?”
I look over at him now and our eyes lock. I can feel the tension between us. It’s thick, hot, strong. I swallow down my fear. I have to say something or I might just lean in and kiss him, and I’m sure that would put an end to this new friendship. “I know. My mom used to tell me that all the time.” I say the words but they come out in a whisper.
“Stop trying so hard to make people like you. If they don’t like you, they’re stupid, and nobody needs stupid friends.” He gives me a goofy smile and I laugh.
I shake my head when my laughing dies down and turn my attention back to the TV. There are butterflies soaring in my stomach right now and my heart is racing a million beats a minute. I don’t know what this feeling is or why I’m feeling it. Grayson is cute, sure, but he’s never shown any real interest in me before. And yes, he’s said a bunch of nice things these last few days, but I feel like it’s part of the role he’s playing in order to bring me back to life or something. My real question is: Why does he want to help me with this list so badly anyway? What’s in it for him? That’s the question I can’t answer and am too scared to ask.
The two of us sit around and polish off the pizza. We watch TV for a little while, then he leaves so we can both get the rest we need to play golf in the morning. I lock up the apartment, turn everything off, and climb into bed. In the darkness, I can’t help but relive that feeling I had earlier. I let my imagination run wild, pretending that I gave in to my urges and actually kissed him. I can feel his soft lips against mine and feel his hot tongue as it slides into my mouth. I feel the way my breathing hitches in my throat and the way my heart nearly beats out of my chest. This sick feeling fills my stomach, but it doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t make me want to puke. Instead, it makes me want to kiss him for real—to experience a real kiss from someone I actually feel pulled toward.
Even though I’ve dated and kissed many guys in my lifetime, I never really wanted them. I was drawn to them because they pretended to want me. But I never just saw a guy I wanted and reached out and took him. But with Grayson, that’s exactly what I want and exactly what I can’t have. If I did that, I’d ruin everything and then I’d have nothing. I can’t