of my back. Where would I be without Will? Probably still in Chicago, and probably still running myself into the ground instead of learning to take a break once in a while. When I had a particularly harrowing case in the works, it was Will who kept me upright and kept me moving forward. He was always there with a soft touch on the nights when I needed reassurance that there was still kindness in the world, and he was there with ropes or a flogger on the nights when I needed oblivion. I’d watched a number of people in my profession succumb to alcoholism to cope, and I wondered sometimes if Will was the only reason I didn’t.
And tonight, we’re meeting someone because he’s not enough for me?
I exhaled as the shower continued to beat on the back of my neck. Were we making a huge mistake? Stupidly risking our marriage?
Over and over again, I’d told myself I didn’t need the level of pain Will and I had discovered that one night. I could be happy and satisfied without it. I’d been happy and satisfied without it for decades.
But damn if one taste hadn’t left me craving it. A friend on a message board had likened it to going through life with a mild but annoying chronic pain, like from a back injury that meant low-grade aches and twinges that never quite went away. Then one day, something magically made the pain stop completely for a period of time. One taste of that pain-free euphoria, and suddenly the hunger for that relief was impossible to ignore. The subtle day to day pain wasn’t any worse, but it was a hell of a lot more distracting.
People on the board had argued about whether that made it sound like an addiction, and maybe it did. Maybe it was an addiction of sorts. Maybe pain was a drug for me. But as another user had pointed out, finding a drug that fixes a problem and makes you feel better isn’t the same as getting hooked on a recreational drug.
All I knew was that Will and I had pushed through what I’d thought was the ceiling of my pain tolerance, and on the other side, I’d found a level of subspace I’d never experienced before. A rush of endorphins that made everything in the world disappear, and made me feel completely relaxed and free and utterly blissed out. High, in a way, but when I came back down, especially with my beloved Dom bringing me back down gently, I was calm and recharged as if I’d slept for a week, and I felt like I could take on the world. That feeling lasted for days afterward. Everything was sharper and quieter—like I could concentrate instead of trying to push through the haze of stress while the noise of the world around me dragged my focus away.
Could I live without it? Sure. Could I be happy without it? Probably. But now that I knew it existed, I ached for it, and the longer I went without, the more frustrating it was. Even when I tried not to show it, Will could see it, and now maybe we’d found someone who could take me there without pushing Will beyond his limits.
At what cost, though?
Because I was excited to meet the man who’d answered our ad. I was a distracted wreck just thinking about the things the three of us could do together.
But I was scared shitless too.
This would most likely go one of two ways.
One, he’d be exactly what Will and I needed.
Two, this would be an unmitigated disaster.
And for the millionth time, I wondered if it was a good idea at all.
Five
Kelly
As my car’s GPS guided me through Laurelsburg, my stomach fluttered with feelings I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Excitement. Nerves, but like in a good way for a change. I kind of wanted to speed so I could get to Aaron and Will’s house sooner than later, but I really didn’t need to get a ticket. I wasn’t quite familiar enough with the town to know where all the speed traps were.
That, and unlike in Los Angeles, my odds of getting pulled over by someone I’d blown in the past were precisely zero. At least in LA there was a chance—albeit a slim one—that the cop would recognize me and maybe cut me some slack. Then again, there had also been the chance that the cop pulling me over would be