to me vividly, aiding in deconstructing the world and walls I try to resurrect day by day. But it’s a different world and has been since I left. Over the years, I fought hard to earn my self-respect back, while nightly forced to give in to the whims of my heart.
A battle I fought since I left.
A war I lost last night.
So, today I’ll let myself go and ride the drift, let the flow consume me. I’ll live in the past, unpacking my memories trying carefully to not give absolution to those who don’t deserve it.
But it’s the loss that stifles my progress. It’s always the loss.
Because no matter how much I resent them at times, I was lucky in a way few get lucky.
I was loved in a way few get loved.
So, naturally, it forever changed me.
Parking at the edge of town, I exit the car in the freezing wind, the clouds covering the day in grey, the gravel crunching beneath my booted feet as I make my way toward the entrance at the foot of a small hill.
Though my time here is limited, I’ve purposely sabotaged my future to the point I’ll have zero direction once I leave. It was on the drive back to Triple Falls that I realized my course was always going to be reverse. Even with all the milestones I’ve accomplished, with all the living I’ve been forced to do, sadly, and deep down, I feel the best part of my life is already over. When I lived here years ago, I constantly dreamed of a future. My purpose here, now, is to suspend time and concentrate on then.
All I have of them now are the remnants of our time together. Over time I’ve realized all that happened in those months I spent with them was enough to seize and lock my heart away. And it’s the battle between my temples that gnaws at me, my unyielding loyalty that refuses to let me forget while the rest of me begs to be set free.
But it’s truth I seek, and I’m steps away from it now feeling the full weight of our collective mistakes as I enter the small cemetery, the creak of the waist-high iron gate making my presence known. A few steps into the secluded yard, I find him and kneel, pulling off my glove to trace the bold letters on the top of the heavy stone.
Prince Déchu Fallen Prince
It’s been over two thousand days since his departure, since he was stolen from us, from me, leaving an irreparable and permanent hole in my heart. I can still recall the curl of his dark lashes when I closed his eyes. I can still remember the weight of him in my lap as I cradled him to me, the feel of his lips when I kissed him goodbye. No matter his crimes against me, all I feel for him is love, longing, and gratitude.
He died to protect me. He died because he loved me, but damn him for not knowing how hard it would be for me to try and live with it. His sacrifice has left me—more often than not—feeling unworthy of such a love. But love him I did. Wholly. For all that he was and the gift he gave me with his selfless sacrifice.
If only I’d trusted in him enough to believe his love was the truth, he wouldn’t be here.
Of all the mistakes I’ve made in my twenty-six years, the only one I can’t live with was being fearful of my protector the night I lost him.
If only.
Seeing his grave only makes that night more real, our conversation and his parting words more precious. He took sure steps toward his demise, his only request to spend a rainy day with me. A day I would give anything to have shared with him.
“I wish you would have taken me with you,” I manage through a voice full of ache. “But, I guess, in a way, you took us all with you.”
The image of him the first time we locked eyes flashes through my mind.
“You terrified me,” I sniff, as my eyes water and begin to leak with the budding ache. “You were such a motherfucker.”
When I met Dominic, he had barricaded himself behind his purpose, the brotherhood. Still, somehow, I managed to be the one lucky enough to find the undetectable space in his armor because he let me.
“You are in.”
His words from our last date. I can still hear them