He looks up to me utterly baffled, his English accent muffled by the tampons clogging his nose. “This is not funny.”
“I know it’s not. I’m sorry you’re hurt, but I told you not to mess with him.”
“Who in the hell is he?”
“More than a thug in a suit, but man,” I can’t help my smile, “am I glad you said it.”
“This is the man you still claim to love?”
I slowly nod, knowing the truth is hurting him.
“Why?”
“I wish I knew. I would stop it in a heartbeat and walk down the aisle to you if I could. But I don’t deserve you. And I never did.”
“He didn’t fight for you, not at all. He told you to leave.”
He killed for me, made deals with his enemy for me. Protected me at the cost of losing his brother, all the while denying himself his own happiness.
“He’s sacrificed more than any man should for me.”
“How so?”
“It’s a long story and not mine to tell.” I scoop up the blood-splattered paper towels and feel Collin’s eyes on me as I clean up the table.
“How is it not yours to tell?”
“Because I came into it long after it started.”
“We were the best of friends before we dated,” he reminds me, incredulous. “And you never told me any of this. Just that your father died, and you weren’t close. How have you lived this whole other existence here without my knowledge? How do you have this whole past that you’ve never even hinted to? I thought I knew you, Cecelia.”
Guilt, so much guilt mars me as I gaze down at him. Another victim of my sordid tale. “It was a year. Just one year, but it changed everything for me.
Sometimes, a lot of the time, I wish it had never happened, but regardless, it made me who I am.” I kneel before him. “I’m so sorry. I am. I never meant for you to know about him. Or any of this, but this is who I truly am. And the woman you met is me as well. I’m just built from more than I let on, and I’m tired of hiding the other parts of myself.”
“Because you were promiscuous?”
“That’s not everything, that’s not…” I sigh, “I should have never admitted that to you.”
“I’ll be hard-pressed to forget it now.”
“And I’m so sorry. So sorry for that. But I did it so you would never have to face him, to avoid this situation, because I am the bad guy. Feel free to paint me any way you want to our friends. I’ll deserve it. Trust me. I’ve condemned myself enough trying to live with it. But in doing so, I’ve denied myself the freedom to want what I want.”
“And it’s him?”
“Yes. But Collin, what you and I had was special. It was built on the right things, friendship, trust, mutual respect. It was healthy, and I’m so grateful every day for what we had together—for you. I didn’t take your proposal lightly, and I should have thrived in our relationship, but I didn’t. I was hiding behind it.”
“And you’re here to what, to win him back?”
“I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have,” I say, gripping his hand. “I don’t want to keep telling you things that you’ll hate me for.”
“And if he refuses you?”
“He is, and he will continue to, and I’ll have to live with it, but I won’t ever put anyone else in your position again. Hurting you was my rock bottom and the end of my denial.”
“And he’s a good man?”
“He’s a very complicated man, that’s for sure. But he also happens to be a man I can’t stop wanting no matter how complicated he is.”
“So, you’re really ending this for a man you may never have?”
I stand and run my hand through his hair before cupping his jaw. “I hope you’ll believe our breakup is for more than me. I broke our engagement because you deserve a woman who can forget her past and be solely yours, and I truly want you to be happy.”
“And what about your happiness?”
“I don’t know, Collin. I guess…” I repeat Tobias’s words. “I don’t get a happy ending. I just get an ending.”
Collin slips on his jacket, destroyed after hours of sorting our lives out, after more tears and arguing and one last attempt by him to take me home. And as I follow him out to his car, I acknowledge that my life back home is truly over. After a