“You’re not wrong, but it’s not a case of cold feet. I wish it were.”
“You aren’t thinking clearly. What we had was real. No one is that good of an actress.”
“I wasn’t acting. I was…masking. I wanted it to work. A lot of the time, I believed it was.” I take a healthy sip of the whiskey and glance at the clock as it flips just past midnight, bringing an end to my first day in purgatory.
“So what if you were promiscuous when you were young. I’m no saint. I don’t give a damn if you slept with half that town.”
“Are you wondering if I was faithful?” I swallow, as a guilty tear sneaks out of me.
“You told me you were.”
“And you believe me?”
“Yes.”
“But you won’t for long. You’ll wonder if I was honest about that too, and then you’ll resent me for it.”
“I won’t. If you’d just come home—”
“Stop. This is beneath you, Collin. I do love you. I always will. I’m so grateful to have been loved by you.”
“So, you just decide it’s over and I’m supposed to accept it? Are you purposefully trying to destroy me?”
“I know how cruel this seems, but I want you to know the truth of what I’ve been battling for years. The guilt I constantly feel, knowing what I’m doing is wrong. Please trust me when I say next to Christy, you’re the closest person in the world to me. But you don’t know me fully, and if you want honesty, neither does she.”
“Jesus, Cecelia, I don’t understand,” his voice cracks and I feel it, the sharp stab of pain that I’m causing, again I fill up my tumbler. The reality of losing him is taking a toll.
“Collin, I’ve come to realize I’m broken that way. I lived too much. I experienced too much when I was too young. It was intense, and it made me…think differently, crave life differently. That’s the most I can explain it. I’m capable of monogamy. I’ve been faithful to you physically. It’s just…”
“You think I wouldn’t understand. You don’t want to tell me what you want because you don’t think I can give it to you?”
“I know you wouldn’t want to know this side of me. And I don’t want you to see it. That’s not who you fell for.”
“Stop telling me what I know about you!”
His anger is warranted, and so I let him have it. I put this train in motion and I need to see it through. He gives me a minute of silence before he speaks up.
“So, are you with them now?”
“No,” I hate that’s his conclusion. “Not at all. That’s not what this is. I’m not sure I’ll see him.”
“Him? Just one? I’m so confused.”
“I was upset last night, and maybe I explained myself horribly.” I wince, knowing no amount of whiskey will ever help this confession. “I told you when I was younger, I was in a polyamorous relationship for a few short months.”
“Yes.”
“But my feelings ran deep, Collin, really deep for both men, and after it ended, I fell in love with another, and he’s the one that I haven’t let go of. But full disclosure, I still have lingering feelings for them all.”
“Is this…” I can physically feel the gap splintering further between us, “is this what your dreams are about?”
“Yes.”
“Jesus, Cecelia.”
“It was one year, one year of my life, but it changed me. And I haven’t been able to fully move on since because of how that time with them altered me and how it ended. And that’s the reason I’ve never been able to give you what you need, what you fully deserve.”
“I’m no less guilty of having lingering affection, feelings for the women in my past. I’ve had moments, here and there. It’s all part of it.”
“It’s more than that, Collin. The unreasonable part of me still exists in a time I can’t erase or can never go back to. Because no matter how hard I try to forget it, it won’t let me.” I take another sip, and then another, terrified of admitting more of the truth. “I’ve been hiding things from you.”
“Like what?”
I grapple with the words and know the impact they’ll have.
“I deserve the truth,” he demands.
“You do.” I close my eyes and bring the glass to my lips, taking a long drink and bracing myself. “Sometimes, after we have sex, I fantasize about them while you’re in the shower.”