when you went home for the holidays you let go and ate everything in sight. She wanted to make sure you are not still on that same path. Something about you had to buy new clothes because your old ones did not fit."
My heartbeat sped up, and my lips parted. The animosity in her words rang like a siren in my head of things she'd said to me that I did wrong in her eyes. Moisture beaded above my top lip. I gripped the jump rope handles tighter, my skin burning against the plastic. I jumped faster and harder.
Kova was still speaking but I only caught the tail end of a few words. I wasn't processing any of it. All I could focus on was the fact that my mom had called him and fabricated lies, and he listened like a good little sheep. She took vindictive to a whole new level and I had to wonder why she was trying in vain to sabotage my gymnastics career. She wanted to ruin me for the sake of ruining me. It was the only plausible reason I could come up with and a side of her I hadn't yet seen. I was her daughter, she was my mother. I didn't understand her attitude toward me.
A prickling sting deflated my chest and my breathing grew strenuous. I slowed down until I stopped completely. My arms dropped to my sides, and I stood with one foot positioned slightly in front of the other, staring in a blank trance at nothing but feeling everything.
A muffled cry burst from my lips and I threw the rope to the floor. Kova jerked back. Tears filled my eyes and my heart ached, not because I was sad, I was, but more so because I was so irate and filled with resentment that my own mother would purposely set out to hurt me. I hopped down, formed a fist, and dropped it down on the balance beam as hard as I could. I shoved at the side of it, trying to push it over, shoving my weight against it, which could never happen. It was too heavy, but it felt good fighting against something.
"God! I hate her! Hate her with a passion!"
"Hey," Kova said softly, coming up behind me, but I couldn't stop.
"I can't stand her! No matter what I do, it's never enough. I never over ate anything, and I bought new clothes because I lost weight. Because we had stupid parties she forced me to attend. She is such a liar." I kept my back to Kova so he wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. "And you played right into it, making me sound like I'm hopeless, like an amateur who still needs years of work, and even that might not be enough. You gave her exactly what she wanted and she fed off that, I know she did. She has it out for me, always has, always will. Nothing I do will be right for her."
A fat tear slipped from the corner of my eye, and I walked away. I didn't take more than a few steps when Kova clutched my arm in his hand.
"Stop," he said gently. "Ria, I told her you still had a way to go because the truth is I am not ready to let you go yet."
I didn't know how to respond to that.
"Just give me a few minutes, Kova." I yanked my arm away and pushed at his chest. "I'll be right back."
Kova grabbed my wrist. "Stop. Listen to me."
I shook my head. "Please, just let me be for a sec and I'll be fine."
"Adrianna."
"Kova! Just leave me alone!" I screamed.
But he didn’t. Kova pulled me to his chest and I immediately fought against him.
"Get it out," he said. I shoved at him and cried harder, giving him everything I could. I hated that he was doing this to me and appreciated it at the same time. "Fight harder, hit me if you have to, just get it out." I struggled between crying and shoving, but Kova didn’t let go, and something in me cracked.
My efforts slowed, and I covered my face and let the tears flow. I poured everything out against his chest. Everything I held in over the past year. From my mom and her backhanded compliments, to the rigorous training I demanded of my body, to the illicit affair I had with my coach. I cried over everything, and he let me.