Their footsteps drew closer. My heart raced and I held my breath.
Something dragged across the desk over my head, and I heard the clanking of keys. "Get your shit and let us go," Kova mumbled under his breath. "Hurry the fuck up, Katja. You got what you wanted, as always," he spat. Then they both left his office.
I burrowed into the floor, holding my stomach, and fighting back the tears. My jaw trembled and I rolled my lips between my teeth, sniffling. I stayed in a tight ball trying to pretend this never happened. That the words Kova spoke earlier, with his passionate touch and persuasive words, to what we shared, and what I just witnessed, was nothing but a figment of my imagination. Otherwise, I was that stupid girl who never learned and always went back to the boy who wrecked her heart time and time again. And I didn't like that. Seeing Katja on her knees in front of Kova was upsetting, but seeing him take pleasure in me while I watched them was something I couldn't process. It hurt, that I knew, but this was a more profound kind of hurt that was deep seeded. I didn't know what to call it or how to explain it.
I remained hidden under his desk long enough to wallow in self-pity before I had the courage to poke my head out. I quickly pulled my leotard on and waited a bit longer before heading to the door. I stood and strained my ears, listening for any little sound. The phone on Kova’s desk rang loud, the jarring sound made me jump.
There was no reason for anyone to call this late at night, so I figured it was Kova giving me a signal to leave. I fled from his office and ran to the gym where I’d left my bag. Then I threw on my sweats and stormed out to my Escalade.
I dug my cell phone from my bag and noticed I had two text messages from Kova.
Coach: You are clear to leave.
Coach: Please forgive me.
It was two in the morning by the time I got home. Distraught and queasy, I took the hottest shower my skin would withstand while I cried under the streaming water.
The night had been so high at one point but then took a drastic turn. Deep down, I didn’t believe Kova would purposely inflict pain on me, not after the way we had been together. But he sure as hell didn’t try hard enough to stop her either, especially when he saw me.
I got out of the shower and dried off. Not bothering with clothes, I climbed between the bedsheets naked. Tears continued to run down my face as I pulled the comforter to my chin. Tonight had shattered parts of me I didn't know were so fragile. My mind kept replaying the image of Katja on her knees, Kova's hands fisted in her hair, and his eyes on me. My emotions were a disaster of a mess, and I knew I'd never be able to talk to Kova about this, because talking about it would mean I'd have to relive it. Truth was, I didn't even know if I wanted to talk to him. There was nothing he could say or do to make the hurt go away.
Twenty-Seven
Dad had always said if you wanted something done right, you must do it yourself.
And that's exactly what I was about to do.
I was in rare form after last night.
After being intimate with Kova, more than once, and listening to him open up a part of his heart and confess how he felt about me, then watching Katja go down on him while I hid, I was a mess. My thoughts were everywhere. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to laugh or cry. I think the best thing to do was to let what happened go, and move on.
I popped four Motrin, then made a cup of coffee. Running on only a couple hours of sleep was a stupid idea. I was exhausted and mentally drained, but I pushed the thoughts away. Dressed and out of my condo within thirty minutes, I headed to the gym to condition alone. That was another thing—we hadn't finished talking about the extra classes before things went from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. I still wasn't sure if he was okay with me going in or not, but I planned to go