He regretted it, but the damage was already done. Again. I wasn't sure if he truly meant what he said or not, but the truth was, I didn't want to know. He said the words he knew would devastate me the most and that's what mattered.
"Jesus. Your Achilles is brutally tight," Dr. Hart said, taking me away from my sorrowing thoughts. I never wanted to imagine Kova marrying Katja. The thought made my stomach churn. I was queasy. Maybe he'd marry someone else after he and I were one hundred and eighty-seven percent finished, and it was due to both of us agreeing it would never work.
But not Katja, because after all we shared between us, that meant I had never been enough for him from the start, that I was just a doll for him to play with, and she wasn't.
I glanced at the doctor, repeating his words in my head. I was too astounded to communicate.
"It blows my mind you haven't ruptured it completely," he said.
Dazed, I turned back over and dropped my face into my crossed arms, not caring if my voice was muffled now. "Yeah… I'm pretty conscious of it and try to be careful on that side."
I wasn't sure I made sense, but I didn't care.
An hour later, Dr. Handsome was gone and I was bent over in pain from the deep tissue massage, afraid to stand. I did and carefully hobbled across the hall to the lockers. I would be exceptionally sore tomorrow, but the doctor had insisted I’d feel like a new person with more bounce in my step come this weekend for the last meet before I went home.
I should've said no to the massage. I should've asked them to stop and feigned sickness or something. But I didn't. Instead, I took the sweet pain and considered it my consequence for provoking Kova earlier. I didn't utter a word, I didn't gasp or hold my breath, or shed a tear or ask for them to go lighter. I laid stone-still, facedown and dying inside from their crafted hands that knew how to manipulate and ease my muscles, and relinquish toxins and Kova's words.
If only I could relinquish Kova from me.
Karma. That’s what I got for playing with the big boys.
Pulling out my duffle bag, I considered cleaning out my locker when Kova strode in. I looked over my shoulder, but I didn't say a word.
He leaned his side against the locker and stared at me.
"What is it?"
"Adrianna, if this is about Kat—"
"I really don't want to talk about it, Kova." I sighed, unable to hide the hurt I was feeling. "Maybe I needed to hear it to get out of this fantasyland I've been living in about us, I don't know." I swallowed back the tears and stared at the contents in my locker. I couldn't look at him just yet. My voice cracked with emotion. "I guess I didn't expect you to actually marry her after everything. Like how could you live with yourself after so much lying and cheating? I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it's not fair to Katja. Even though we're not in an actual labeled relationship, you can't be completely oblivious to the fact that there's more here between us. Am I saying let's explore that right now? God, no." I paused for a moment. "I don't know what I'm saying, maybe it's just one-sided, maybe I'm too optimistic and hopeful. Either way, it was something I needed to hear. It put things into perspective, that's for sure. I can always leave it to you to really cut me deep."
He wasn't angry when he responded. Instead, he was gentle. "There is a lot that you do not know."
"Because you don't tell me."
"Adrianna—"
"I'm just stupid and naive, I guess. I don't want to talk about it anymore," I said, softly shutting my locker. I finally looked at him and let him see the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. "I have to go."
Much to my surprise, I'd never seen him look so upset and so guilty and full of shame all at once. His eyes scanned my face, my mouth, my eyes, they were everywhere.
Shaking my head, I stepped around him and walked toward the door. Right before I stepped out of the room, Kova's broken whispers in Russian caught my ears. I glanced over my shoulder and watched as his fist flew into a locker, twice. I quickly stepped out but peaked