the phone away from my ear at the sound of her high-pitched voice and looked at it. The newly broken hymen express? What in the ever-loving hell was she talking about? Just as I was about to ask her, it dawned on me what she meant.
"Oh, my God. We were working on gymnastics skills all day. You're a moron, you know that? A full-fledged moron."
"Jesus fuck. Thank you. There is a God sometimes.” Relief flooded her voice.
"I can't believe you thought we were having sex for eight hours," I whispered, cupping my hand around the receiver. I pulled my knees to my chest. "You're demented," I added for extra guilt, then told her the rest of the story. I even went as far as to confess my darkest, most enigmatic thoughts. I told her how I liked persuading him to do things he didn't want to, that it created a swirling, climbing power inside me to see him bend at the knee. How I nearly made it my goal to push him to the brink of madness, only to watch him surrender and give us both what we wanted, how we wanted it. How I made him talk to me about things on his mind.
Avery was extra quiet by the time I finished.
"Ave?"
"Yeah." She cleared her throat. "I'm here. Honestly, I never know with you anymore. I don't know what to say because I'm concerned it could be the opposite of what you need. When it comes to that man, you're reckless and wild and risky. It worries me." Quietly, she added, "You're a stranger when it comes to him. The things you tell me, I never expect to come from you. I wouldn't even recognize you if I passed you on the street."
I mused over her words, not liking how they hit home. But she was right. I sensed a change in myself and how irresponsible I'd become with him around. It was another reason why I hadn’t wanted him to come over, why I hadn’t wanted to be alone with him any longer. I knew myself and how I would react. He was a temptation I couldn't resist. I was a desire he craved. We were the worst and best kind of combination.
I sighed inwardly and looked up at the ceiling.
"I think I know. The only reason anyone ever changes is because there's more going on. Deeper feelings. Ones not obviously addressed or acknowledged. I think that's what's going on with me and I didn't realize it until you said it. It worries me because when that happens, people become reckless when they're trying to hide something. Eventually, they slip up and every liar gets caught. I have feelings for him, Avery, both good and bad. I don’t know how to shut them off either. I thought I did, but I really don't. There are moments when I need to breathe in the air he expels, but then I want to turn around and suffocate the life out of him at the same time. I don't know what to do," I said softly. "Maybe I'm just not strong enough to combat them."
I shook my head. I was hollow inside. My eyes watered from staring so hard and not blinking. I hated to think for a moment I'd been defeated without a worthy fight, but it's exactly how I felt. Hopeless.
"It really isn't your fault, though. It makes me angry to think that you think it is. The coach knows better. He is a grown adult," she said, enunciating each word. "He didn't have to do anything today, not even bring you home, but he forced himself. He's taking advantage of your naive innocence."
I shook my head vehemently, surprised she would talk with such animosity. It completely caught me off guard.
"He isn't taking anything; I'm giving it to him, Avery. That's the problem. I'm physically and emotionally attracted to this man. I want to be around him all the time. I like learning from him. He teaches me and listens to me. And as much as I try to hate him, I just can't. I mean I do, but I don't. God. I don't know what I'm saying other than there's no taking anything. I swear to you," I whispered, my voice almost taking on a falsetto range. "If anything, it's me trying to take."
"It's too hard for you to see it through my perspective. He didn't have to come over. He didn’t have to stick his hand in