that her job is to please the men in the MC, jealousy pricks me, and I can’t help wondering if he deliberately hugged her where I could see it.
We drive for what must be at least two hours, but the van doesn’t seem to be making a lot of turns, so I assume we must not be doubling back nearly as much as we were on the way out here. The men must think the cops won’t be tailing us this time.
Dee’s and Pip’s voices drift from the front of the van, but I can’t make out what they’re saying. Pip laughs at something Dee says. Both of them seem to be pretending I’m not there, which is fine with me.
Ben eventually falls asleep, and I let him curl up beside me with his head on my knee. I stroke his soft hair idly as my thoughts wander aimlessly, often to places I’d rather they not go.
An image of myself with a belly growing large invades my thoughts, and I shake myself violently, shoving the thought away. In the Colony, I never wanted kids, not when I knew I’d be bringing them up in that world, and especially not in my last few months there, after I learned I was set to marry Seth.
But with Spider?
My heart gives a panicked bound at the thought.
It’s a second before I remember that getting pregnant is an impossibility with the implant Spider had Axe put in my arm.
The memory of this causes a wave of immeasurable relief. I can’t count the reasons I wouldn’t want Spider’s babies. Never mind that the man whipped me until I howled in pain and has more than once tortured me. Never mind that he’s taken a life with a coldness and brutality that, according to things both him and Cap have said, is not only a part of MC life, but is a necessity of it. He’s a criminal, neck deep into who knows what other criminal activity. Not to mention, monogamy and loyalty to a woman probably isn’t in his vocabulary. Brutality is in his blood, in his veins. It infuses everything he does. I could never tie myself to him in such a way, and I could never, ever dream of bringing a kid into his world.
So why does the thought of Spider’s child growing inside me cause my insides to clench with longing?
Shivering, horrified at my own thoughts, I look down at Ben, my hand stilling on his hair as I watch his sides expand and contract with the rhythm of his breathing.
It makes no sense. I should feel afraid for Ben, knowing what kind of lifestyle he’s caught up in, knowing the boy has no choice. I should feel angry at Jules for allowing him to be part of it, but I don’t. Instead, I feel an absurd sense of gladness for him that he’s born into an MC. His dad put his mother in the hospital. How I know this, I have no idea, but Gary Jamison is not MC. He’ll never get near him again, not with Spider and an army of bikers to protect him.
It’s a crazy thought, but he’s probably safer with them than he would be anywhere else.
The van lurches when Pip slows down and stops at what must be a traffic light. I hold Ben tighter as it makes a turn then continues on.
After what I’d guess is well over two hours, a phone rings, and I hear Dee answer it. A few moments later, she swears.
“Pip, signal for Dragon to pull over.”
The van’s horn honks.
A short time later, the van pulls into a gas station and stops. The motorbike engines shut off, and men’s voices drift from outside, orders being given. The back doors to the van open and Spider waves me out.
“Come on, little man.” Spider helps Ben down, and then me. “You gotta go?” he asks Ben in a much friendlier tone than he usually asks me.
“Uh huh.”
“You too?” He looks at me.
“Yeah.” I look over at the bathroom, off to the side of the station. “If you want to take Ben, I’ll—”
“Not a chance in hell.” He captures my wrist as if he thinks I’ll take off the minute I get two steps from him. “Striker, take Ben to the bathroom. You, come with me.” He pulls me to his side.
As I follow him to the bathroom, I catch Dee’s voice, over at the tanks with Monica and Dragon.