These small things are intensely comforting, grounding me in the here and now. I’m not at the Colony. I’m at the clubhouse in White Springs.
And I’m Spider’s prisoner instead of a captive of the His Holy Peace.
I glance at the empty half of the bed beside me, and then around the room. I’m alone.
I should be glad of this, yet abandonment brings a surge of loneliness.
What was it he said last night after it was all over? I am your life, I am all there is for you, and all there ever will be.
Depression settles in, hopelessness a brick crushing my chest.
Eyes stinging with tears for Sarah as much as for my situation, I roll onto my back. Fire flares across my backside, and I wince, turning onto my side.
The loneliness closes in, suffocating.
I climb off the bed slowly. Straightening Striker’s shirt, I hiss as the cloth chafes my rear. My limbs ache, bringing back the thought of last night, of being tied to Spider’s bed. The memory of his belt searing my skin floods my mind with a painful intensity. My body feels overused, stretched beyond its limit.
Again, I glance around the room.
Every time he’s hurt me, he’s either ignored me after or left me alone completely.
I have the sudden sinking feeling I know how the rest of my life is going to play out. When I’m not… satisfying his manly lusts, I’ll be strung up and whipped or imprisoned in a room without company anytime I don’t do his bidding. And when he has no use for me, he’ll just leave me surrounded by women who loathe the ground I walk on, and dangerous armed men who see me as the pariah who went against their club.
I’ll never have a job or see Sarah again, never experience the world as a free woman.
Not for the first time, it sinks in that I’ve simply exchanged one prison for another. I clutch the backrest of the chair that sits in front of the desk, my nails digging into the wood as I try to push back the tide of hopelessness that rushes in. To call up the determination that usually saves me from breaking in moments like these.
There’s only a claustrophobic panic I associate with being trapped in the Colony’s isolation chamber. I close my eyes and hot tears splash onto my cheeks.
When I open them, my gaze falls on the bible sitting there, the leather-bound, gold-embossed book staring back mockingly.
The reminder of my old life, so sickeningly timed in its presence, sends a surge of rage through me. I grab the bible and spin around, whipping it hard at the wall with a scream. I’ve never been good at aiming anything, so it’s probably only by sheer luck that it strikes the crucifix on the wall.
The cross and the bible tumble to the floor behind the bed with a thump.
Someone raps on the door, making me jump.
“Hey, what’s all the racket in here?”
I’d been expecting to hear Pip still standing in the hall on watch. Instead, Dee’s voice drifts into the room.
Dashing off my tears, I click my teeth in annoyance with myself.
Keys jingle, and the lock on the door clicks before she pushes the door open.
“What are you doing in here, strangling a cat?”
“What?” I blink at her, then turn my face away, hoping she can’t see the moisture in my eyes. I’d always hated showing Dee any sign of weakness. If anything, the thought of her knowing I was blubbering like a baby a second ago makes my insides squirm even more, now that I’ve lost face with her.
Dee steps into the room. “You were screaming a few minutes ago. Shit, it sounded like you were being murdered in here.”
“Sorry, ma’am.”
“Still playing that game, are you?” She shakes her head at me, only she doesn’t look amused or curious the way she used to when I called her that. Now, she looks annoyed. “The angelic act won’t work on me. Give it up.”
I drop my shoulders. The words sting more than she’d probably believe. I resist the pointless urge to tell her it’s not an act, and that I’m not trying to score points with her.
“Move your ass. You’re helping out in the bar.” She turns to the door.
“This early?” With a yawn, I glance outside at the brightening dawn.
After Spider left me, I’d spent the entire night tossing and turning, dreams of Sarah and Jacob haunting my sleep.