With Every Breath (Slow Burn #4) - Maya Banks Page 0,93

I wanted him to hurt. And I wanted to be the last face he saw before he took his final breath. I wanted him to see me smiling, victorious, and for him to know that I beat him and that I’m stronger than he is. Worse than the fact that it makes me no better than him, I feel no shame, no remorse and no regret for wishing with all my heart that somehow I could make that dream a reality.”

She lifted her head, dread heavy in her heart as she slowly lifted her gaze to Wade’s.

“That’s who I am, Wade. I’m not special. I don’t stand for what’s right. And I’m not rare or precious. The woman I just described? That’s who and what I am. Can you honestly stand there and tell me that’s the kind of woman you’d want any part of? The kind of woman you’d want in your life?”

“Eliza?”

She swallowed and glanced up again fearfully. In agony over what she’d see in his eyes. Bracing herself for the inevitable rejection and judgment she found in the eyes of so many others.

“Don’t say another goddamn word,” Wade said in a clearly pissed off tone. “Jesus, woman. You still don’t get it.”

Her gaze turned to bewilderment as she searched his face for some clue of what he was thinking. And what was it she still didn’t get? She opened her mouth to ask but he growled low in his throat and framed her face between his hands. His gaze was piercing but no longer angry. There was frustration, worry and something else she was afraid to examine too closely because it did funny things to her heart and she had the sudden urge to run, to hide. To do what she was best at and avoid allowing people in. That something in his eyes that suddenly made her question her assessment of herself scared her and thrilled her all at the same time as she waited, not even breathing, for what he was going to say next.

“Not. Another. Fucking. Word. I’ve had enough of the shit that isn’t even close to being true coming out of your mouth. You’re going to have to give me a minute because I’m so pissed off right now I don’t even know how or where to begin responding to that load of garbage you just spouted. The only thing keeping me from losing my shit and turning you over my knee and spanking your ass is the fact that you actually believe every single word you said, and I don’t know how to make you see it for the utter nonsense it is and that really pisses me off because it hurts you and goddamn it, it hurts me to watch you judge yourself, condemn yourself and stand there saying that you’re no better than that piece of shit pathetic excuse for a human being while I have to stand here and watch you bleed right in front of me. But as God as my witness, baby, I’m going to make you see the truth. And not your fucked up version of the truth. If it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to find a way to make you see the Eliza that I see when I look at you. To know the Eliza that I know and admire and have more respect for than I do any other living person.”

She stared wordlessly at him, too overwhelmed to say anything. What could she say to that? He was staring at her like she was the only person in the world—his world. His words, each and every one of them, she committed to memory, savoring and holding them close to her heart where they’d all remain safe and untainted, touched by no one. No one could ever take them away from her. They were hers, given to her, and they meant everything to her.

No one had ever looked at her with so much caring and fierceness, with so much possession and protectiveness there in their eyes for the world to see. No attempt to disguise it, pretend it didn’t mean anything or that he hadn’t meant any of the things he’d said.

“I can see that maybe I’m finally getting through,” Wade said gruffly. “Maybe now you’re getting it. You mean something to me. You. And that means all of you, not just the parts you want me to see while you hide the parts you’re so determined to be ashamed of