for at least an hour, making me question my decision; have I acted in haste, should I stay? If I do stay, maybe with more time Carlos might still come round, but if I go home, I’m out of sight, out of mind.
I may have made a terrible mistake.
I don’t voice my concerns, I’ve been up and down all over the place these last two days, so I don’t want to get their hopes up, only to change my mind once again. And anyway, I’ve re-booked the flight which was costly and the taxi is booked, the hotel knows I’m going, so it may not even be possible to stay on now; even if it was the hassle and expense to change it all again barely seems worth it, for a faint possibility of reconciling with Carlos. I’m clinging on to false hope again, I need to just cut my loses and go home.
Today is lovely because I’m in a beautiful place, with wonderful people who are making a special effort because this is my last day. Logically if I was to stay another week, it would not be like this every day; there would be days when I’d be alone and all the classes and day trips in the world can’t change the reality that I am on my own out here. That’s bad enough at the best of time, but if you load on a huge helping of missing Carlos and knowing he hates me, you are left with a recipe for savage depression.
No, I made the right choice, I need to be back with my friends and family, in my own safe environment, throwing myself back into my work and moving house to block any unpleasant thoughts from my head; before I know it I will have forgotten all about it, I hope.
The afternoon flies by and before I know it, its 14.30 and time to go. Blair and John escort my to the lobby, a bell boy has already collected my suitcase and deposited it outside ready for the taxi. At the desk I check with Mari if there have been any messages left while I was out and she confirms that my hopes have been in vain. Her eyes still hold a multitude of questions but she simply wishes me a safe journey home and reaches over the desk to squeeze my hand briefly as she does, as if with an unspoken understanding.
Standing outside waiting for the taxi Blair takes my hand, placing a tiny heart shaped pink gem in it, “I bought this for my friend back home, it’s meant to bring love to the person who has it, I think after everything you’ve been through, you deserve it” she says closing my fingers around the semi-precious stone.
“Thank you” I croak, fighting back the tears. In the last three months I think I’ve cried more than I have in my whole life put together, it can only mean I’m due some good times, well overdue in fact.
As the taxi pulls up we all hug once more, I let the tears flow freely now, under the pretence of leaving my two good friends, but secretly I’m mourning the loss of Carlos, there’s no possible way I can deny it any longer, he has left me.
Taking one more longing look back at the resort, I climb into the taxi without any sign of Carlos running over to stop me and wave my silent goodbyes out of the back window as we drive away.
I keep waving until they have long since disappeared from view, then slouch into the seat and weep silently into my hands.
We arrive in good time, leaving me a good two hours sitting around the airport before my flight.
After checking in I mindlessly wander around the duty free shops, picking up perfumes and alcohol that I have no want or need for, before finally finding a quiet corner near my boarding gate, where I can be alone in my misery. The minutes drag by, each agonising one reminding me of what I’ve lost and reinforcing the fact that I will never get it back, it’s excruciating.
By the time my flight is called my eyes sting and my face is red and puffy, but I’m beyond caring, I am an emotional wreck, so why shouldn’t I look it.
I wait for almost everyone to board before forcing myself up and walking over, dragging my feet and barely even raising my head as I hand over my