Harrison asked to speak to him on Saturday and complained on various counts about my behavior in and out of class.
“This aspect of the matter does not really concern us, Professor Dancey. Maybe you could come to the salient point?” Jerry Poplar is fast shooting up the list of my favorite people in the world.
“In short,” Dancey says, his voice tight, “and this is extremely confidential information, Madeline Harrison came to Ardrossan with a record of destructive behavior at her previous school. She was educated at a very select private academy that refrained from contacting the police provided that Madeline’s institution of further education is informed of her history.”
“Does her history include arson?” Jerry asks matter-of-factly.
“It does include two counts of arson, yes.”
“But that—” Giles and I object in one breath.
I complete the sentence when he sits back in his chair again. “That makes no sense! We’re dealing with two different people here, the graffiti artist and the herring slopper! Did Madeline ever use fermented herring against her enemies at school?”
Dancey shifts in his chair, and I am paralyzed by the fear that he’ll say yes.
“Excrement.” And for the second time this morning a rosy hue spreads across his bald pate.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake! Teenaged girls are the worst!” Jerry Poplar shudders, expressing what we all feel.
“I will take on board your suggestion, sir, that Madeline’s dislike of me is violent enough to make her, um, deploy rotten fish against me. It is a sort of speaking punishment, actually, because her main complaint is that I occasionally mention sex in class. So the use of fish in an attack against me makes sense. Symbolically speaking.”
Maxine Emerson chokes and looks down at her notes. Dancey and Jerry Poplar stare at me as if I had produced a fish and slapped it on the table between us, and Giles…Giles is chewing the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from grinning. Then he clears his throat and intervenes.
“I might say, Matthew, that I witnessed a few minutes of Anna’s first class session, which she conducted with great verve and tact. Yes, it involved the mention of—”
“Christianity as a primitive religion predicated on cannibalism, fertility rites, homosexuality, and masturbation!” Dancey reads out from his notes in rising cadences. “In the first session of a general education class full of freshmen! This is either an example of inexcusable provocation or of astonishingly bad judgment! What were you thinking?”
“I thought I was introducing a group of open-minded, broadly educated young adults to a class on comedy!” I turn to Giles for support. “Would you teach comedy without mentioning sex?”
“I wouldn’t. But don’t shout at Matthew, no matter how much he deserves it.”
“Masturbation?” Dancey repeats, angry with me for having to mention this word at all in public.
“We were looking at Shakespeare’s Sonnet Number One. It’s about—”
“I know what Shakespeare’s sonnets are about!” he barks. “In the first session?”
“They enjoyed it,” Giles intervenes again. “I happened to be passing, the classroom door was open, and—sorry, Anna—I stopped to eavesdrop a little because the class seemed very lively. You saw Anna’s teaching presentation when she applied, Matthew, you know that she—” He looks at me, and my feelings for him rise like a dolphin out of stormy waters. “She has zing! Snowflakes like this Harrison girl may find that uncomfortable, but it’s good for them. Builds character.”
“In other words, Anna adheres to the British school of higher education, also known as the principle of sink or swim!” Dancey states sardonically. “No wonder you’re defending her in this, Giles! I had my doubts about appointing someone not properly socialized in the American academic system, but I was not heard!”
“Pretext!”
“Three students have complained about Anna’s conduct in class, and it isn’t even mid-term yet!”
“Freshmen always complain. You know that, Matthew! Are their parents alumni? I bet they are!”
“Can this debate perhaps wait till my one year review?” I assert myself with the vehemence of the deeply exhausted. “There is no point in wrangling over it now, and I’m sure we all have more pressing matters to see to.”
Maxine and Jerry seem glad to get out of here, but Dancey asks me to stay, and I sit down again very much with my tail between my legs. I am more dejected now than I was before the meeting. I don’t know what to think, about the fish, about the complaints, and I don’t know where I stand, except that I am beginning to realize that it isn’t in the same