werewolf, for fuck’s sake!” Colin’s anger was all for himself.
Judd stroked Colin’s tense, freckled shoulder. “Yes, but is boldness in your nature? Was it ever?”
Colin looked sad. “Probably not. But I should like to know I can stand up for others, if not myself.”
“You can. You did. And you stepped in with Trick and the selkie.”
“But that was so hard. And I still wasn’t strong enough. You had to come to my rescue.”
Colin might as well have said that he wasn’t good enough. Wasn’t wolf enough. Wasn’t powerful enough. Wasn’t enough.
“But that’s what brave is, sweetheart. Stepping forward, even when you know you can’t win. People like me who do it all the time, that’s because it’s in our nature to be fierce. That’s not bravery, that’s duty.”
“But the way she treated you!” Colin looked like he was going to be physically ill.
Judd pressed his lips together. He was exhausted by several lifetimes spent coping with not just bigotry, but others’ guilt when they witnessed that bigotry. Even though the first came from a place of entitlement and the second from a place of affection, they were both burdens placed on him through no action of his own.
Judd tried to come up with a means of explaining. “You hate the way Kevin treats you, now, don’t you?”
“What?”
“With kid gloves? Like he failed you? Like he’s waiting for you to fracture, or to hate him? Like you didn’t build up your backbone on your own while he was gone. Like you can’t function without him.”
Colin looked at Judd from under pale lashes. “Yeah.”
Judd nodded. “So don’t do it to me.”
Colin’s eyes went wide. He dipped his head.
“Pity, guilt, shame – they’re toxic. To you and the person you coat them with. Admit it, hash it out, talk it over. You gotta tell your brother how you felt and why. So he can apologize and you can forgive him. It’s what you both need. But mostly, it’s so you can both let go of the past.”
“And us? My mother?”
“Her words and actions aren’t yours to own, Gingersnap. They never were. She didn’t leave you because of something you did or said. She didn’t cut me down because of anything I did. This isn’t your issue to fix in any direction. You can’t control the behavior of others. You aren’t an Alpha, remember?”
“Far from it.” Colin frowned at his hands. “But it’s also my responsibility to stand up for those I love, isn’t it?”
“Which you feel strongly because no one did that for you?”
“I suppose.”
“I adore that you want to defend and protect me, but I’m still an enforcer. It still feels like you’re weakening me by thinking I need help. Now, that’s my issue. Those are my instincts. I gotta figure a way to reconcile with that, because part of affection is defense and loyalty.” Judd didn’t say love, although that’s what he was talking about. He didn’t say Colin was wrestling with the instincts of a mate, because that would be too much too soon. Although he hoped it was the truth.
He pressed on. “There’s a huge part of me that wants nothing but to coddle and dote on you. Protect you from everything. Never let you see your mother again, least of all witness how she treats others. Not because it hurts me − like I said, I’m used to it, but because it hurts you.”
“But you shouldn’t have to be used to it.”
“You gonna fight the world for me, Gingersnap?”
“I’d try.” Colin’s spine straightened.
“And you’d be hurt, and I won’t have that. I can’t.”
Colin smiled, small and sad. “Impasse.”
Judd realized suddenly what their conflict was. He was always one to act, to put the world into motion. Colin was the opposite, sitting back, hiding, trying to help through quiet sympathy. Colin did gentle, careful things. He cleaned the kitchen so Lovejoy would find it ready the next morning. He put sardines on the grocery list, so Marvin had a snack after work. He tidied the shoes in the cloakroom after everyone stripped for a run. He made certain the pack’s computers and phones were updated and free of malware. He offered drinks to guests when they arrived and kept the dishes washed at potlucks. His actions were all understated. Which didn’t mean they should be discounted or devalued, because they added good into the world in small doses.
Judd said the only thing he could think of that might get through. “I love the way you are and all the