excited by the idea. He was also pleased by Judd’s apparent acceptance of the proposition. At least, he hadn’t dismissed the idea out of hand.
Colin didn’t linger; the two enforcers were about to patrol. He didn’t want to be caught eavesdropping. He hurried back to the den. Alec and Isaac had gone off about their evening activities, leaving him to his studies in peace. No doubt this was intentional. Both the Alpha and the Omega knew when a pack mate needed time to process. Colin had a lot of processing to do. Even more now.
He picked up his epistemology book and tried to concentrate, which resulted in him reading the same paragraph six times. Finally, he put the book away and picked up one of Marvin’s sequined throw pillows. They were fun to play with because if you stroked them one way they were teal and the other more silver. He could paint patterns into the sparkles.
Colin had always known he was gay but he’d also never wanted to sleep with a man. Not until Judd. He wasn’t familiar with that part of himself at all – the part that felt desire or lust. Maybe this was because it had never been allowed to form in the first place. Sexually, he was stunted. Other ways too, but clearly this defect was obvious to his brother. And now Judd.
Colin wondered sometimes if being so invisible to his family and his old pack had made bits of his identity go invisible to himself. Not gone, just faded away into colorlessness. At a time when he should’ve been dating, kissing, figuring out who he was and what he liked, his sexuality had been offensive to the one person who was supposed to love him unconditionally. His father. So he’d learned early on not to let who he was show, let alone what he wanted. Although that hadn’t stopped him from wanting. Not in the beginning. Not in those first flush teenage years of awakening. It was already hell being part of his father’s pack. Try being gay and surrounded by big muscled biker werewolves all the time, often naked. In self-defense, he suspected that his own mind had basically shut his sexuality down.
Colin sighed. Introspection was exhausting. Still he was ready to admit something. He loved the idea of fucking Judd. Not just hugging his chest and sniffing his neck. And even if he wasn’t worthy of the enforcer as a long-term romantic partner (and he wasn’t), if Judd really was willing to sleep with him as a favor to Kev, Colin had to admit he wanted that. Wanted him. Badly enough to take a pity fuck.
Would it be taking advantage of Judd’s good nature if he accepted sex under the guise of education? Maybe. But Colin did like learning, and he did want sex. It’s just that he’d been so long without it he didn’t really know how to start. Plus once Judd came into Colin’s life, he hadn’t really wanted anyone else. All the boys in his classes and at the clubs had seemed just that, boys. Not right. Not Judd. He did want to learn to be good at sex, and as a lifelong student he knew that he could excel if given the right training. He’d read the books. He’d watched the porn. He just didn’t have any practical experience. It was like a science class without the lab component. Colin was also smart enough to know he’d let his own retiring human nature take things too far – his wolf side was starving for touch. If he let it go on much longer, he’d spiral into an irreversible depression. The fact that his brother had needed to set him up was, of course, humiliating. But in one way or another, Colin had been humiliated by Kev and Kevin’s friends his entire life. At least in this, he knew what was really going on. He knew Judd’s interest was as a favor to his friend. He knew Judd was doing it out of sympathy and for the good of the pack. He knew going in that it wouldn’t last.
Presumably, Judd had to be at least a little attracted to him, or he’d refuse because he wouldn’t be able to perform. At least this way Colin could learn what it would be like to really be the focus of the big man’s lust. He was also self-aware enough to realize he liked the idea because it was safe. Right now