Empire High Betrayal (Empire High #3) - Ivy Smoak Page 0,28
want…I want more of that.”
His Adam’s apple rose and then fell. “Me too.” It looked like he was going to pull me back into his arms, so I slid away from him on the bed.
“But…I…I did something bad.” God, I wanted to keep my secrets. I wanted to wear this ring. I wanted to be a Caldwell. I wanted him to keep kissing me. Holding me. Loving me. But he wouldn’t. Because I knew if the roles were reversed, I probably wouldn’t forgive him. Just thinking about his box of condoms being used on someone else made it hard to breathe. I chose him. I wanted him. But I’d taken too long to figure it out. I closed my eyes and pulled off the ring.
Chapter 10
Sunday
Matt caught my hand. “Please don’t take it off. I want you to wear it.”
He wouldn’t in a second. I placed the ring down in his palm and closed his fingers around it. But instead of moving away, I kept his hand wrapped in mine.
“I made a mistake,” I said.
“Okay. We can fix it together.”
God, why was he so sweet? “I just need to tell you everything, okay? And I need you to listen to all of it. And then if you want me to leave, I will.”
“I’m not letting you go back to the Pruitts. You have nothing to worry about. I talked to my dad and…”
“It’s not about that. Please, just let me get this off my chest.”
He pulled his eyebrows together, but he didn’t say a word.
I picked up the story about James where I’d left off before. How he came back to the apartment with me. Washed my cuts. Held me in the shower and let me cry.
“Did you kiss him again?” Matt asked. His voice wasn’t angry. He just sounded…defeated.
“No. I promised you I wouldn’t, remember?”
He just stared at me.
“At homecoming. You told me not to kiss him again. I promised I wouldn’t. That kiss was a mistake. I saw you with Rachel and I was so angry.” I pressed my lips together. It didn’t matter why I kissed James. It only mattered that I had.
He nodded, even though I knew that night was foggy for him. “Do you have feelings for him?”
“I think I feel close to him because he’s sad. He knows what it feels like to be drowning all the time. It was nice to be miserable together.” I used James’ words to describe it. “But I love you. I only want to be with you.”
Matt’s hand was still cradled in mine. I held it tighter, afraid he might pull away. But it wasn’t necessary. Because he just shook his head.
“Then there’s nothing for me to be upset about,” he said. “James was there for you when I couldn’t be.” He ran his tongue along his lower lip, like he always did when he was thinking. “I can’t be mad at anyone but myself.”
That wasn’t how I wanted him to feel. But he was being more understanding than I thought he would be. One of the reasons we’d broken up in the first place was because he’d gotten mad when I borrowed Felix’s blazer at school. He wasn’t usually so understanding when it came to me hanging out with other boys. But I had to take this as a win. Because there was more to confess.
“That’s not everything,” I said.
He just stared at me, his dark brown eyes swirling with something I didn’t understand.
“While we were fighting, I felt so alone. And I was scared at the Pruitts’ apartment.” God, why was I making excuses? That wasn’t what this was about. This was about Matt and me no longer having secrets. I took a deep breath. “I started seeing someone. He…”
“Was it James?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Was it Felix?”
“No. It’s…”
“If it wasn’t one of them, I don’t want to know who it was.”
“But…”
Matt pulled his hand out of mine.
It stung worse than I ever thought it would. I felt so cold when he wasn’t touching me. And I had this weird sensation that maybe my father used to be warm too. And that when my mom left his life, he’d turned cold and bitter. I blinked away my tears.
Matt stood up and now I recognized the look on his face. I assumed it was how I looked when I first stepped into Empire High. Broken.
I’d been so worried that he’d break my heart. Why hadn’t I protected his?