I briefly close my eyes to keep myself from rolling them.
“There’s something you mentioned a few weeks ago that’s been bothering me.”
His leaving me responsible for Lucy and Mom when I was eleven bothers me, yet I can keep my mouth shut.
“I pay child support.”
He’s a liar. Mom told me before we left to expect this from him. She said to ignore it and let her and her lawyers handle everything. Lucy and I just have to make it through dinner. From the scents wafting from the kitchen, that shouldn’t be long. We’ll suck down our food, keep our mouths shut and then we run for home. “Okay.”
“Why would you mention that I wasn’t?”
Silence from me.
“Is that what your mom is saying?”
More silence from me.
“I know I haven’t always been the most hands-on dad, but it’s not all my fault. Your mom hasn’t made it easy for—”
“Easy?” My head snaps up. “You think we’ve had it easy?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“I think it is. You divorce Mom, and leave her,” leave me, “and force her to take care of us while you go and do whatever you want.”
“Is that what this is about?” Dad asks like he’s confused. “You’re still mad at me for the divorce?”
I glance over at the kitchen. How long does it take to warm up a ham?
“I don’t know what lies your mom has been feeding you, but your mom and I were both miserable in the marriage.”
“So you get a divorce and now you get to be happy. I guess that’s the point, huh? We struggle to take care of each other and you get a hall pass. Showing up whenever it suits you. I forgot that the only thing that matters is how you feel. As long as you’re happy, then it doesn’t matter that the rest of us suffer due to your choices.”
Dad’s jaw hardens. “What was I supposed to do, Sawyer? Stay in a marriage that was strangling me?”
“As I said, as long as you’re happy, right?”
“That’s not fair.” Dad lowers his voice.
“Fair? I had to switch shifts to drive up here today. Mom takes care of us full time and works a full-time job while you take every other holiday, and when I was a younger, every other weekend. Like we’re the class pet to bring home. Is that fair? Then you complain about seeing us, but you never once make an effort to come to where we live.”
He unlaces his fingers. “I have a job, and when your mom moved she said she’d bring the two of you to see me.”
I don’t want to listen to this anymore. I stand and pull my keys out of my jeans pockets. Dad shoots up from the couch. “What are you doing? Tory’s making dinner.”
“I’m taking Lucy and heading home. You wanted a visit. You got it. If you want to see Lucy again, you’re going to have to come see her yourself.”
I start for the kitchen and Dad places a hand on my arm as if he can stop me. “I know I haven’t been the picture-perfect father, but there’s more to this story than you know. Things I promised not to tell you. But regardless of any of that, I’m trying now.”
He’s trying now because regret sucks. “Lucy, let’s go.” His guilt, his regret isn’t my problem.
Tuesday October 1: Well, Diary, mother is in bed. She got up this morning and tried to work, but nothing doing.
I stayed in bed because my throat isn’t any better, but when I heard about mother’s being in bed, I got up and went over to see her. She looks badly. I do hope she’ll be better soon.
Evelyn’s mother also had TB and was in the same hospital as her. They fought, they talked and Evelyn worried. I get that—more than I want. In the backseat of my car, Lucy sings as she braids her doll’s hair. My sister has a pretty voice. It’s a sweet sound and she can naturally hold a note.
I turn off the state highway and onto Main Street. It’s seven in the evening, the fall night dark, and autumn leaves drift past the beams of my headlights. We’re almost home, and my skin itches for a jump. Dad’s been texting since I left. Mom’s been texting wanting to know what happened and why Dad’s upset. Sylvia’s been texting to find out what’s next on the project, and Veronica