Earth Fathers Are Weird (Earth Fathers #1) - Lyn Gala Page 0,17
to find a way into the stars.”
“Query. Clarify horseback.”
Max groaned and slid back into the water. His arms were turning to goose flesh in the chilly air anyway. Rather than swimming laps, he did a slow, modified backstroke, enough to keep himself warm. Rick swam next to him, his tentacles graceful in the water. “What about small planets? Shouldn't they be able to reach space easily? They would have light gravity.”
“Small planets lack metals of many electrons. They lack...” Rick's explanation devolved into whale song and belches. Whatever small planets lacked, it was more technical than anything Max had taught the computer to translate.
A cramp caught Max under his lowest rib and he rubbed his side as he floated in the water. “So are you saying that all space going species have roughly the same gravity?”
“Limited range, yes. All ships in space have creatures of comparable size and mass. Few outliers at extreme range.”
Max thought about the range of alien bodies he’d seen at the space port. He’d seen some that must have topped out at forty or fifty pounds, and others that would probably weigh several hundred if their mass/weight ratios were similar to humans. Now that Max thought about it, that was a limited range. Hell, adult humans had that much variety. The port had lacked any fairy- or dinosaur-sized aliens.
“If everyone evolved on planets with similar gravity, I guess that makes sense. Are there other similarities?”
Several of Rick’s tentacles brushed against Max’s leg and led certain of Max’s parts to pay entirely too much attention. Max made a mental detour into the land of Cornelius Stirk, the psychic cannibal who wanted to eat Batman’s heart, and that did the job. The touch of heat in Max’s cock vanished, leaving him nothing but gas to worry about. He should get out of the pool before he blew air bubbles of massive proportions and had to explain flatulence.
Rick answered. “All intelligent species have a central point for processing senses—a head. All intelligent life have tentacles.”
“Wait a minute.” Max flipped back over into a dog paddle. “I’m intelligent, and I don't have tentacles. In fact, a number of tentacle-less aliens were walking around that spaceport.”
Rick curled a long tentacle around Max's wrist, lifting it out of the water. “Tentacle,” he said.
“Correction. Clarify. Arm,” Max responded. Maybe the rest of the universe had tentacles, but red-blooded human beings wouldn’t appreciate that particular label.
“Tentacle with interior bone structure.”
Max considered that. Rick had a point. Unfortunately. “It resembles a tentacle,” Max compromised. He needed to spend some extra time with the translation matrix because if aliens ever bothered visiting the backwoods of Earth, earthlings would get a little cranky over the distinction. At least Americans would. Hell, Max had grown up around people who considered dark skin or sexual orientation tragedies worthy of wailing and a prayer group. Max didn’t even want to think how those people would handle tentacles.
Max gasped as another cramp hit.
Rick still had his tentacle curled around Max’s wrist, and he pulled their bodies together. “Query. Health?” Even with the translator, Rick’s bugling sounded worried. Max’s body chose that moment to cramp again, and this time Max let out a giant fart that bubbled up to the surface with a weird smell, like an eraser that had grown hot from too much scrubbing across the paper.
“Human digestive microbes create gas. It sometimes hurts. My health is fine.” Max tried to extricate himself from Rick’s tentacles. For every one he pulled free, another found a new place to latch onto. Max was not thinking about how the watery wrestling match was causing tentacles to brush over his cock, but he was insanely grateful for cold pool water.
“Query. Assist I in removing gas?”
Max did not even want to think about what Rick might do to get gas out of the intestines. However, whatever plan he came up with, Max preferred to stick with the tried and true method. A little fart party and he'd be fine. “No. It’s natural. I appreciate your concern, but I've been dealing with human intestines for a while. Sometimes it's best to let them be gassy.”
Rick swam toward the edge of the water, pulling Max with him. “Translation matrix failure.”
Max was not getting that message as often as he used to, but it was no less annoying. “I’m healthy. You don't have to worry about me so much. I'm not sure what assumptions you're making about humans, but we’re not fragile.”